


the worst thing that i ever did (was what i did to you)

by forbiddenquill



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Friends With Benefits, JeongDubChaeng are stoners, Namo BFFs, Not really a happy ending oof sorry, Sana and Sehun as a couple, Slight - very slight - internalized homophobia, Typical High School Drama, Tzuyu is a cheerleader if you squint hard enough, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:07:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forbiddenquill/pseuds/forbiddenquill
Summary: SANAYEON AU: When head cheerleader Minatozaki Sana breaks up with her boyfriend during the summer before their senior year and deals with a heartbreak that is years overdue, her best friend Im Nayeon is there to pick up the pieces of her broken heart, even when it means disregarding her own.(or, alternatively, a Sanayeon fic inspired by Taylor Swift’s Betty.)
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana, Hirai Momo/Myoui Mina, Im Nayeon/Minatozaki Sana, unrequited Samo, unrequited Sanayeon, wow it sounds super complicated... cause it is
Comments: 43
Kudos: 491





	1. i'm only seventeen (i don't know anything)

**Author's Note:**

> I completely based this fic on Betty and Betty alone. 
> 
> I've been wanting to write Sanayeon forever so thanks @ Taylor Swift for finally getting me out of my Sanayeon slump. I had a blast writing this for the past two days lmao
> 
> Anyway, this is self-indulgent! I wanted to try a new writing style that I haven't used before. So, I hope the story still makes sense. I tried to make it as vague and complicated as possible at the same time and hopefully, my efforts would have paid off! 
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!

//

The summer before their senior year, head cheerleader Minatozaki Sana breaks up with quarterback Oh Sehun. 

The news is so downright _juicy_ that one hour after Sana slams the door shut to Sehun's car and storms away to sulk in the nearest park, nearly anybody who is _anybody_ already knows what went down: 

" _Did you hear that Sana dumped Sehun?_ " Jeon Somi, the star pupil of the theatre club, asks her best friend Lee Chaeryeong, whose mouth drops open in complete and absolute shock. Sana and Sehun? They've been together since freshman year! 

" _OMG_ ," Kim Yerim messages Park Sooyoung straight after hearing the news from Jung Eunha, " _Oh Sehun is back on the market_!"

" _Probably got knocked up_ ," Lee Daehwi tells Hwang Hyunjin, " _or maybe she's just getting fat. Either way, it was a long time coming_." 

Even Yoo Jeongyeon and Son Chaeyoung, who consider themselves above any kind of school hierarchy, start laughing when Kim Dahyun informs them of the news. 

" _Good for her_ ," Chaeyoung says, smoking a joint that she passes to Jeongyeon, " _Sehun's boring._ "

Jeongyeon snickers. " _Ever felt that gay vibe around him? Or even her?_ " 

Dahyun coughs at the smoke in the air. " _I always thought she and Momo were a thing. They were always a bit_ too _close._ " 

" _Nah_ ," Chaeyoung replies, " _I heard Hirai Momo and Myoui Mina are dating. It's a recent development._ " 

" _A cheerleader and the president of the gaming club,_ " Jeongyeon muses, leaning back against the wall and grinning to herself, " _Who would've thought?_ " 

The news continues to spread, as it always does in high school. Reminiscent of wildfire. It tears and strips Sana and Sehun's reputation apart. The rumors get worse with each person it gets passed to. Everybody tries to come up with their own explanation for the break-up, as if they're investigators trying to pull apart a conspiracy. But they'll never get close to the truth. None of them do. 

Except for one person. 

When Nayeon receives a text from the head cheerleader in question, she's quick to jump into her Maserati and head to the park where Sana has isolated herself from the rest of the world. 

Whenever Sana calls, Nayeon is there for her. 

//

"So," Nayeon says when she finds Sana playing in the swingset, staring up at the night sky, "I heard a little rumor…” 

Sana sighs and glances at Nayeon from the corner of her eye. "That fast, huh?" she muses. 

Nayeon nods and sits down on the empty swing next to Sana. "How are you holding up?" 

Sana kicks at the ground to get the swing to move. "I don't know yet," she admits, her hands coming up to grip the metal chains, "Who told you, by the way?" 

Nayeon looks away, shrugging. "Sehun told Kai who told his girlfriend Jennie who told Lisa who told Seulgi who told Tzuyu who _finally_ told me." 

Sometimes, Nayeon has to laugh at how high school works. Because there's just something so funny about how everybody always comes up with their own stories about people's lives. Like when Nayeon had mono for a week and she came back to pregnancy rumors. Most of the time, it's just ridiculous but she's seen firsthand how it badly affects Sana. 

Sana, who always tries her best to put up a perfect image of herself. Sana, who wants to get into a good school, which meant she needed a good reputation. Sana, who has dated Sehun for the past three years of her life—years she was never going to get back. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nayeon asks. 

Sana shakes her head. “Not really.”

There’s another question Nayeon wants to ask but she decides not to voice it out. Years of knowing Sana has given her a somewhat sixth sense. She knows when to push or when to drop a subject. And now, given Sana’s hunched shoulders and the small furrow between her eyebrows, it’s clear that this is something that needs to be dropped and picked up another time. 

So, Nayeon flips her hair over her shoulder and nonchalantly says, “You know, I can’t remember the last time we had a sleepover together… just the two of us." 

Sana laughs. “Yeah,” she says, her eyes sparkling as she looks at Nayeon, “Me neither.” It’s not her usual laugh but it’s still enough to make Nayeon smile. 

//

(There’s a reason why Sana texted Nayeon instead of Momo.)

//

Later that night, Sana enters Nayeon’s room and plops down on the bed immediately. The same way she used to when they were still fresh from middle school. She doesn’t even bother changing her clothes. Instead, she just grabs the blanket, throws it over herself and curls up into a tight ball. 

Nayeon sits down next to her on the bed and reaches out to lay a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Any plans for the summer?” she asks. 

Sana hums. “Nope,” she says, “You?” 

“I’m volunteering at the local animal shelter with Tzuyu,” Nayeon says, kicking off her shoes and tucking her legs under her knees, “You can join us, if you want.” 

“I’ll think about it.” 

It grows quiet. 

Silence with Sana is never a good thing. It means Sana is thinking. And when Sana thinks, it means she’s worried. This is why she tries to fill the silences with mindless chatter or useless gossip. Because she doesn’t want to think too much. So Nayeon slowly crawls up just behind where Sana is facing the wall and wraps an arm around her best friend’s middle. Sana doesn’t react, already used to this kind of skinship between the two of them. After all, they’ve been friends for a long time. 

“Are you okay?” Nayeon whispers, her breath hitting the back of Sana’s neck.

Sana shivers in her arms. “Yes,” she says. 

Nayeon knows when Sana lies through her teeth and this is one of them. “Can I ask you something?” she quietly whispers, rubbing circles on Sana’s stomach with her thumb, “It’s okay if you don’t answer it.” 

Sana lets out a dry laugh. “Then why ask?” 

Nayeon shrugs. “For the off chance that you might answer it,” she murmurs. 

A moment passes. Sana turns over so that she’s facing Nayeon. Her eyes, so wide, so warm, so filled with unshed tears, can’t meet Nayeon’s. Instead, she fixes her gaze on the wall behind Nayeon’s head and shakily nods her head. 

“Are you upset about your break-up with Sehun,” Nayeon begins carefully, reaching up to wipe the tears away, “or are you upset about something else?” 

Sana’s throat bobs, still unable to look Nayeon straight in the eye. “Upset about what?” she asks in a hushed voice. 

Nayeon doesn’t want to say it, despite knowing that she has to at one point or another. Breaking her silence over this could confirm her deepest suspicions. But at the same time, she knows doing so will no longer leave her ignorant. After all, ignorance is bliss. Voicing out loud her next question could ruin that said bliss. And yet, for Sana, she is willing to take the risk. Because Sana is her friend and the last thing she wants to see is her friend hurting. 

“Upset about Momo and Mina dating,” Nayeon whispers. 

Sana finally meets her gaze and doesn’t say anything.

But in her eyes, Nayeon finds her answer. 

//

( _Nayeon should’ve realized it sooner._

_The signs were all there, just waiting to be picked up and picked apart._

_The way Sana averts her gaze as Momo changes into her uniform when they’re in the girl’s locker room. The way Sana always thinks of Momo even when she’s spending time with Nayeon. The way Sana laughs at Momo’s jokes, even when what was said wasn’t particularly funny._

_It was love._

_Sana has been in love with Momo since… Nayeon doesn’t know. But long enough that it felt all so natural already. Because the three of them have always been together. Nayeon and Momo were best friends since the womb. Peach sisters, as they always said. And when Sana moved in halfway through grade school, she fit right in between them._

_Perhaps Sana has loved Momo forever._ )

//

(The same way Nayeon has loved Sana all along.)

// 

Sana doesn’t answer the question Nayeon poses. Instead, she closes her eyes and buries her face against Nayeon’s shoulder. Within seconds, she has succumbed to tears. 

Nayeon doesn’t really like the silence either. Because just like Sana, she ends up thinking a lot. And the more she thinks, the more she realizes that all of these would’ve probably been fixed if everybody just told each other how they truly felt. 

_But_ , she thinks to herself, pressing a kiss against Sana’s forehead, _I can’t even do that too._

//

(The morning comes but Sana’s tears haven’t dried.)

// 

( _When Momo told Nayeon that she was dating Myoui Mina, the first thought that came to mind wasn't for her best friend. Instead, as always, it was of Sana. "Did you tell Sana?" she asked, feeling something akin to a hand squeezing her throat._

_Momo smiled, oblivious to the tangled feelings that hung over their entire friendship. "Not yet," she told Nayeon, "but I will later. I'm sure she'll be happy she finally has another couple to go on double dates with."_

_"Yeah," Nayeon said quietly, knowing that Sana would be_ far _from happy. It was only after she asked the question that she finally allowed herself to give her peach sister a wide grin. "So, you and Myoui Mina, huh? Tell me everything."_ ) 

//

Nayeon helps Sana pick up the pieces of her broken heart. 

"I never liked him anyway," she says as she and Sana visit a coffee shop a few days after the break-up, "He was always so…" 

Nothing negative comes to mind regarding Oh Sehun. Because even though Sana's feelings for him only ran a few inches below surface level, he was genuinely a nice guy. After all, the couple _did_ last three long years together. You don't last that long if you didn't like each other. 

Sana giggles, shaking her head while taking a sip of her frappe. "It's okay, Nayeon," she says, "I liked him too." 

The words sting a bit. "You never did tell me why you guys broke up," Nayeon points out.

"Oh." Sana's eyes grow unfocused. "We got into a fight about college. He wanted me to go to this summer school with him. For college cred, you know. And I just… didn't want to. Pretty sure it was just a minor argument but it just blew up in our faces."

"Do you see yourself getting back together?" 

Sana looks away. "It's a possibility." 

"I see." The words echo in Nayeon’s mind: _a possibility, a possibility, a possibility._ She never realized how badly a possibility could hurt her. Until now. "Is he still going to that school?" 

"Yes," Sana replies with pursed lips, "He'll be gone for the whole summer." 

Nayeon nods at the answer. "Well," she begins, shrugging her shoulders as she takes a generous sip of her drink, "I guess that just means one thing, you know." 

Sana raises her eyebrows, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. "And what's that?" 

"You're stuck with me for the rest of the summer," Nayeon declares, trying her very best not to show how happy she is at this newfound revelation. Because all along, she has only wanted Sana's attention. And with Sehun gone and Momo busy with Mina, she finally has it. 

Judging by the wide grin on Sana's face, she seems pleased by this new turn of events as well. 

// 

( _The first time Nayeon realized she was in love was in the third grade. Sana had just moved in from another city. When she walked in during homeroom with her hair tied in pigtails and a Sailor Moon bag on her back, she immediately caught Nayeon's eye._

_Sana turned heads wherever she went. This was evident from when they were younger. Because when asked to introduce herself, Sana raised two peace signs, smiled brightly and said, “My name is Minatozaki Sana! I hope we can be good friends!”_

_The effect was instantaneous. All the boys were struck with Cupid’s arrow. Some of the girls, like a shy Park Jihyo sitting at the very front, felt it too._

_And Nayeon?_

_Nayeon wasn’t spared._ ) 

// 

"Oh, I don’t like that look you have on your face." Sana mutters when Nayeon shows up at her place one early Saturday morning. The older girl is wearing her best outfit, complete with a beach hat and large sunglasses. In her left hand, she’s dangling her car keys. 

“You should,” Nayeon says, throwing the keys at the girl seated on the foot of her bed still wearing her pajamas, “because we’re going somewhere today. You better be ready in twenty minutes.”

Sana laughs and shakes her head. “Couldn’t you have at least told me before you came here?”

“Yeah, but I wanted to make an entrance.” Nayeon leans on the threshold of Sana's bedroom, arms crossed and that devious smile still on her lips. "Besides, I didn't want to give you a chance to say no. Your summer should be packed with good things. I will _not_ have you moping on your bed on a _Saturday_ morning. God, what would people think if they found out head cheerleader Minatozaki Sana was moping over a _boy_?"

( _and a girl_ , but Nayeon doesn't say that out loud.) 

"Seriously." Sana's tone is full of exasperation and fondness. Her smile doesn't waver as she looks at her friend standing by the door. Because even though Nayeon does questionable things, she truly knows what is best for Sana. 

“Yes, seriously,” Nayeon replies. 

“I don’t know what to do without you, Im Nayeon,” Sana grumbles under her breath but she eagerly stands up to get ready for whatever Nayeon has planned for them, the smile never leaving her face. 

Nayeon watches her go, knowing that she would do anything to keep that smile on her friend’s face, because it’s all that she’s ever wanted.

//

(All Nayeon has ever wanted was for Sana to be happy.) 

//

Sometimes, Nayeon can’t figure Sana out. 

Sana is such a joy to be with. She knows how to make people smile and laugh thanks to her exuberant and bubbly personality. She’s also one of the nicest and most genuine people to have ever walked on earth. When she smiles, it’s the brightest thing in the world. Not even the sun could stand a chance. When she laughs, it’s holier than a chorus of angels singing on Christmas Day. She is truly one of the best people Nayeon knows. 

And Nayeon doesn’t think she’s ever heard Sana say a bad thing about anyone, even if her head cheerleader title might say otherwise. People make up a lot of rumors about Minatozaki Sana but Nayeon knows those rumors aren’t true. Because Sana secretly looks out for the people she cares about. When Momo’s dog Boo got sick in the middle of the night, it was Sana who rang Tzuyu’s phone ten times within the next hour just to ask her what to do because her dad is the only vet in the city. And when the art kid Son Chaeyoung got bullied by the seniors for her weird nail art, Sana had been the one to shut them down. 

People make up stories and rumors of people they don’t know. Nayeon is the same. She makes up stories about why her Biology teacher doesn’t seem to like her or why Bae Joohyun is dating Park Bogum when it’s clear to everybody that she _hates_ him. Because sometimes, it’s easier to come up with your own explanation instead of trying to find that said explanation. 

This is why Nayeon can’t figure Sana out. 

Because Nayeon _knows_ Sana. She knows how frustrated Sana gets when the team can’t perfect choreography in time. She knows how whiny and clingy Sana is when she’s sleepy and it’s only the fourth period. She knows when Sana is sad because she tends to withdraw into herself and not say a word to anybody. 

Sometimes, Nayeon thinks that she knows Sana better than Momo knows her. Better than she knows herself, even. 

So she doesn’t understand why Sana never told Momo about her feelings, especially when Momo, at one point, had actually returned them.

//

( _Back in sixth grade, when they were all playing truth or dare and Momo had unluckily yelled “TRUTH!” in a panic (because_ everybody _knows that you’re not supposed to pick truth when you’re in the sixth grade), Yoo Jeongyeon had slyly asked, “Who’s your crush?” And for some reason, Momo had actually told the truth and mumbled, “Sana-chan…” under her breath. Loud enough that everybody in the circle heard. Loud enough that everybody started squealing and jumping over each other to get to Momo._

_Loud enough that nobody heard Sana mumble “bathroom break” and get out of the circle to slip away, turning her cheek so that nobody could see her expression._

_But Nayeon saw._

_Nayeon will never forget the look on Sana’s face._

_It was a mixture of happiness and sorrow. It was what Nayeon imagined how people felt when the one thing they’ve wished for all their life suddenly came true, only to realize that there was nothing left to wish for. When everything you could’ve ever possibly wanted was suddenly within reach, would you take it? Or would you deny yourself the simple pleasure of having it?_

_She didn’t understand why Sana never told Momo._

_Because over time, Momo got over her crush and moved on._

_Years later, it would become clear to Nayeon that Sana never did._ )

// 

Nayeon thinks she thinks too much. 

But no matter how much her thoughts revolve around Minatozaki Sana, she has long since accepted the fact that she will never truly understand her. And it’s okay. Because you don’t need to understand someone to keep loving them. 

//

“Aren’t you afraid of the ocean _and_ heights?” Sana teasingly asks Nayeon as the car stutters to a stop on a cliff overlooking the blue waters surrounding their small city. 

“I am,” Nayeon agrees, turning the engine off, “but you’re not.” 

The two of them get out of the car and stand next to each other, just enjoying the ocean breeze and the blue view that stretches in front of them for miles and miles. Nayeon tries her best not to show how badly her knees are shaking at the thought of standing so close to the cliff. One strong gust of wind and she could possibly be falling to her death. 

But Sana’s hand on her wrist steadies her. “It’s so beautiful,” the younger girl whispers. 

Nayeon looks at her and can’t tear her gaze away. “Yeah,” she agrees, “it is.” 

//

( _“Oh Sehun asked me out,” Sana told Nayeon during lunch break while Momo was stuck in front of the vending machine, trying to decide what her next snack should be._

_Nayeon was so caught off guard she couldn’t hide the shock on her face. “Well,” she said, glancing around to see if anybody had heard, “What did you say?”_

_Sana’s arms were crossed over her chest in a protective stance. Her eyebrows were furrowed together. Nayeon could practically hear the gears turning in her brain. It was no surprise that Oh Sehun had asked her out. All three of them had just been accepted into the cheerleading squad, with Sana stealing hearts with her bubbly personality. And Sehun was already turning heads with how good he was at football._

_Minatozaki Sana and Oh Sehun?_

_A match made in heaven._

_Just not in Nayeon’s heaven._

_“I said yes,” Sana answered softly. She didn’t look too happy about this, her eyes filled with a sadness so deep that she looked a few years older. But Nayeon saw it. She saw everything._

_And when Momo arrived, Nayeon also saw how the sadness from Sana’s face slipped away._ )

//

“There’s this new movie that we should watch together,” Sana nonchalantly says on video call while Nayeon is busy painting her nails a bright purple color. 

Nayeon hums, focused on the task at hand. One wrong move and she might paint on skin instead. "Your treat?" 

Sana lets out a soft sound of surprise and disbelief. "Aren't the Ims supposed to be one of the richest families here?" 

"I heard that the one thing rich people love is getting stuff for free," Nayeon replies in a singsong voice. In the tiny rectangle screen of her phone, she sees Sana roll her eyes.

"You're _unbelievable_ ,” Sana mumbles. 

Nayeon smiles. “And yet, you love me.” 

“Debatable.” Judging from the sparkle in Sana’s eyes, it isn’t. 

//

For somebody who prides herself in seeing everything, Nayeon definitely didn't see _this_ coming. 

"If I asked you to kiss me," Sana whispers in the darkness of the movie theatre as the main characters _finally_ reunite after years of being apart, as everybody’s eyes remain on screen, as Sana’s hand comes up to squeeze Nayeon’s knee gently. 

“ _Would you_?” 

Nayeon can’t tear her gaze away from Sana’s wide, curious eyes. In the back of her mind, she knows what’s happening. There’s a hole in Sana’s heart—left behind by Sehun and carved by Momo. She wants to fill it. She wants to stop feeling empty. She’s heartbroken and missing someone—an equation for disaster. And Nayeon just happens to be the closest solution. 

Nayeon can say no and Sana would back away.

Nayeon can say no and they can pretend this never happened. 

Nayeon can say no and she’ll live the rest of her life never knowing what it would be like to take a chance. 

“Depends if you let me,” she says, her gaze dropping on Sana’s soft lips. 

The same soft lips curve into a smile. “I would,” Sana murmurs. Her eyes go dark as they trace the shape of Nayeon’s mouth; “This is me letting you.” 

So, Nayeon brings a shaky hand up to Sana’s cheek, tilts her head to the side and leans forward. Around them, the world continues. And yet, Nayeon feels as if time has stilled. Because this is everything that she could’ve ever wanted. All she’s ever wanted is Sana. And here she is now, a few millimeters away from finally getting to kiss the girl she’s been in love with since grade school, and she _stops_. 

“Are you sure?” she asks Sana. 

There’s a soft sigh and then Nayeon feels Sana’s hand coming up her elbow, brushing against her arm, before finally resting on her neck. Her touch _burns_. “Yes,” she tells Nayeon, “ _Please_.” 

Nayeon closes the distance. 

//

“Should we be doing this?” Nayeon asks when they get back to the car and the first thing that Sana does is to climb over the gear shift and settle on her lap. Of course, the first thing Nayeon does is check if there’s anybody watching. Everybody would have a field day if they heard that _the_ Minatozaki Sana was making out with _the_ Im Nayeon in the cover of her Maserati. 

“Depends if you let me,” Sana answers in return. She leans back, her hands on Nayeon’s shoulders, and tilts her head to the side. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Nay.”

Nayeon doesn’t think there’s enough words in the entire world that could encompass how _badly_ she wants this. And yet, she feels a tinge of doubt in her heart. Because she knows that she wants Sana—has wanted her for so long she’s forgotten how to want anybody else—but she also knows that Sana probably doesn’t want her the same way. 

“This is me,” Nayeon begins, leaning forward and pressing a kiss on Sana’s throat, “letting you.”

(After all, it’s better to have something now than to never have it at all.) 

//

_(There’s a vivid memory that Nayeon never lets go of._

_It was fifth grade. The teacher had asked them to describe their best friends. Nayeon saw Momo, who was seated a couple chairs to her left, immediately begin writing on her notebook, her pigtails swishing back and forth as she tried to come up with the right adjectives. So, with a huge grin, Nayeon quickly started writing as well, “_ My best friend Momo is the sweetest, kindest, prettiest girl in the world… _”_

_After all, they’ve been peach sisters since the womb._

_“Who wants to go first?” the teacher asked the class. A few hands shot to the air. “Okay, Sana, come to the front of the class.”_

_There was the sound of shuffling footsteps and an endearing giggle._

_“My best friend Momo,” Sana says, her cheeks puffed up in a wide, happy smile, “is the most amazing—”_

_Nayeon froze, stopping halfway through the activity._

_Of course Nayeon hadn’t forgotten about Sana but if she had to pick who her best friend was, it would be Momo. Because when she thought about Sana, she didn’t think about her the same way she thought of Momo. In fact, Nayeon thought of Sana as more of a crush than a best friend. And it would break her heart if Momo thought of Sana as her best friend._

_Sana finished with her recitation and happily headed to the back of the room, where she sat next to Min Yoongi. Meanwhile, Nayeon was in a dilemma. What would happen to all three of them if she stood up and claimed Momo as her own best friend as well?_

_She was so absorbed in her thoughts she didn’t notice the teacher calling Momo to stand in front._

_“Why do you have two papers with you, Momo?” the teacher asked curiously._

_Nayeon looked up and saw Momo raise her papers proudly. “Because I have_ two _best friends!” she claimed, winking at Nayeon when she saw her looking. Then she turned to grin at Sana waving at her from the back row._

_Nayeon’s heart swelled. She matched Momo’s grin and quickly took out another sheet of paper from her notebook. At the top, she began to write: “_ My best friend Sana… _”_ )

//

“You’re my best friend,” Sana tells Nayeon a month into their little arrangement. 

Nayeon stops herself from leaving marks on Sana’s bare shoulder and pulls back to give the younger girl a confused look. “Okay?” she says hesitantly. There’s a troubled expression written all over Sana’s face so Nayeon bites her lower lip and gets off the younger girl. Perhaps it’s time they talk about this. After all, the entire time they’ve been doing this little _arrangement_ , they barely speak about it. 

For Sana, it’s convenient. 

For Nayeon, it’s little moments that she doesn’t want to ruin with the truth. 

“You’re mine too,” Nayeon tells Sana.

Sana nods, sitting up and hugging her knees. “You know me better than anyone else,” she goes on, “Better than Momo, even.” 

The only illumination in the room is Sana’s nightlight right beside her bed. Nayeon can see the sudden fear and anxiety in the younger girl’s eyes. It makes her heart ache. Because all along, she has only wanted to comfort Sana, not to be the source of any more problems. 

“Do you want to stop this?” Nayeon asks quietly.

Sana doesn’t answer. Instead, she looks up at Nayeon and holds her gaze. “You’re my best friend,” she repeats. Then she inches closer, her lower lip shaking. “Nothing is going to change between us, right?”

_Not unless you want it to_ , Nayeon wants to say but she doesn’t.

Because she knows Sana doesn’t want to. 

“Of course not,” Nayeon says gently, reaching out and cupping Sana’s cheeks, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Sana.” 

“Okay.” Sana sighs, squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. “I’m such a mess.” 

_A beautiful mess_ , Nayeon thinks to herself but she doesn’t say it out loud. She’s grown used to the fact that all her thoughts about Sana will remain just that—just thoughts. So, she leans forward and presses her mouth against Sana’s. She hopes, despite knowing that it will never happen, that Sana can taste her thoughts on her lips instead. 

// 

(For the entire summer, Nayeon does her best to memorize Sana’s body, knowing that there will come a time where she’ll never get to read it again.)

//

Momo stops hanging out with her new girlfriend long enough to _finally_ catch up with Nayeon and Sana one Friday night. The three of them arrange a sleepover at Nayeon’s place. Because that’s what they used to do before—before Sehun, before Mina, before this complicated mess of feelings that resides in Nayeon’s chest. And when Sana and Momo show up at 7 PM on the dot, it feels like nothing has changed at all. 

Then halfway through the sleepover, Momo has to excuse herself to answer a call from Mina. Sana rolls her eyes and throws a pillow at her best friend. “ _God, you’re so whipped_!” she yells, though it’s clear from her voice that she’s not really angry at their best friend time being interrupted.

Momo sticks her tongue out at Sana. “You didn’t hear me complaining about you and Sehun,” she reminds her. 

Nayeon does the same thing Sana did earlier and throws a pillow at Momo’s retreating figure. Then the door shuts behind their friend and it’s silent between Sana and Nayeon. When she turns her head to look at the younger girl, Nayeon sees her face crumbling in sorrow. It’s similar to that day back in sixth grade—when Momo confessed that she had a crush on Sana. Only this time, there’s no happiness left. 

Just pure and utter sorrow. 

Nayeon stands up, walks over, and tries to kiss the sorrow away. 

(They both know it doesn’t work.) 

//

( _“Is there somebody you like, Nayeon?” Momo asked as she scrolled through her phone._

_Nayen scowled. “Crushes are beneath me,” she said in a haughty voice._

_“Eh?” Momo giggled. “That sucks for half the student body then.”_

_“Half the student body is in love with Chou Tzuyu,” Nayeon pointed out, “The other half is still hoping that Sehun and Sana break up just so that they can swoop in and save the day.”_

_The two of them were in her bedroom, pretending to do homework when all they wanted to do was just laze around and play around with their phones. Nayeon was busy liking pictures on her Instagram when she chanced on a recent photo posted by Oh Sehun._ Speak of the devil.

_In the picture, he had his arm around his girlfriend’s middle, smiling widely at the camera. Next to him, Sana was hugging him back, her eyes crinkled around the corners as she too shared in the smile. They looked like the perfect couple._

_Nayeon’s throat burned._

_Yeah, crushes were beneath her._ )

//

The thing about Sana is that she never answers questions related to her feelings for Momo. 

After their sleepover, Nayeon thinks that she should catch Sana off guard if she wants an honest answer. But asking, “why didn’t you tell Momo how you felt?” while the younger girl is currently on her knees and in between Nayeon’s thighs is probably not the best time to do it. But it just happens. And Nayeon can’t really blame herself for not thinking straight when Sana is just way _too_ good with her tongue. 

Sana hums, which sets off vibrations across Nayeon’s entire body. She doesn’t answer but she grips Nayeon’s ass in response, letting her know that the question was heard. Then she goes back to what she was doing but this time with a newfound vigor that leaves Nayeon gripping the sheets and curling her toes. 

“Sana,” Nayeon breathes, her chest heaving as Sana builds her up, “ _Please_.”

“Please what?” the younger girl teasingly asks, flattening her tongue and running it over Nayeon’s center. 

The usual answer is, “ _Please fuck me_ ” but Nayeon thinks of Momo, which is probably a bad thing when she’s being eaten out by the one girl she’s been mesmerized with for nearly half her life. So she squeezes her eyes shut and grits her teeth. “Please answer me,” she says instead. 

Sana pauses, lips still on Nayeon’s. 

Nayeon counts the seconds—

_1_

_2_

_3_

_4_

“Why?” Sana finally asks, leaning back and leaving Nayeon gasping for more. 

Yeah, definitely not a good time. 

Nayeon runs her fingers through her hair and lets out a deep sigh. “Because you’re my best friend,” she tells Sana, sitting up and grabbing the blankets to cover her naked body, “and best friends are supposed to tell each other everything.” 

It’s dark in the room, except for the illumination of the streetlight bleeding through the curtains right outside the house. Nayeon can’t see Sana’s expression, which is always a bad sign. Because Sana can never really hide how she feels. Nayeon has had to learn how to read her like a book throughout the years of their friendship.

And now, Nayeon suddenly can’t read. 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Sana mutters, sliding off the bed and heading straight to the bathroom connected to her room, “I think you should go home.” 

“Sana,” Nayeon begins but the door to the bathroom slams shut and inside, she can hear the sound of running water. She sighs, feeling a headache start just behind her eyes. This is what happens when she tries to voice out her thoughts… Sana just completely shuts her out. 

So, she changes into her clothes, leaves the room and tries her best to pick up the broken pieces of her heart. 

//

(Nayeon is so caught up trying to be there for Sana she doesn’t realize just how lonely it is to be the one holding herself together.) 

//

Sana doesn’t speak to her for an entire week.

Nayeon refocuses all her energy and joins Chou Tzuyu in volunteering for the local animal shelter, just like she promised she would at the start of the summer. Even though it's already the end of it, she still wants to make due with her promise. 

When Nayeon arrives, she’s surprised to find Yoo Jeongyeon already in the venue and talking casually with Tzuyu. It’s an odd sight to see, especially when Jeongyeon is notorious for smoking weed in between classes with Son Chaeyoung and Kim Dahyun. And Tzuyu is… well, _Tzuyu_. 

“Ah,” Jeongyeon says once she spots Nayeon approaching, “It’s Your Highness!” 

Nayeon rolls her eyes and flips Jeongyeon the bird. “What are _you_ doing here?” she asks not too kindly. 

Tzuyu glances at them both, looking nervous. “Jeongyeon volunteers on the weekends,” she tells Nayeon, “I think I forgot to tell you that, I’m sorry.” 

It's not like Nayeon and Jeongyeon are sworn enemies but Nayeon simply refuses to forget that time in eighth grade when Jeongyeon snitched to a teacher about Nayeon trying to copy exam answers off Park Jihyo. When she thinks about it now, it leaves a bitter taste in the back of her tongue. 

“Sup, Im,” Jeongyeon greets with a cheeky grin. 

"I don't mingle with snitches," Nayeon says, crossing her arms and sticking her tongue out.

“For the last time,” the other girl says exasperatedly, “I was trying to _warn_ you that Mr. Kang was coming!” 

Nayeon scoffs, rolling her eyes. “I had to miss cheerleading practice for an entire week because of the little stunt you pulled,” she mutters.

Jeongyeon laughs. “And was that really the worst thing in the world?” 

Before Nayeon can say that yes—it _was_ the worst thing in the world—Tzuyu clears her throat. Nayeon fails to mention how head cheerleader Lalisa Manoban had drilled her to the ground when she got back and resorts to giving Jeongyeon the stink-eye instead. The other girl just grins at her. 

"Let’s just get started, okay?” Tzuyu asks with a dimpled smile. Too innocent for her own good, Nayeon thinks. But they get started right away. 

Halfway through the day, Jeongyeon approaches Nayeon, who is cuddling with a stray dog that bears a striking resemblance to Boo, and casually asks, “So, are Sana and Sehun really done?” 

Nayeon looks up from where she’s crouched on the ground next to the Boo lookalike and glares at the other girl. “What’s it to you?” she asks, a wave of protectiveness washing over her. 

Jeongyeon raises her hands in surrender. “Hey, just asking.” Then she glances over her shoulder before leaning in close. “A friend of mine was hoping to, you know… shoot her shot.” 

“And which friend is this?” Nayeon asks with a raised eyebrow. 

“Somebody whose name starts with a D and ends with Hyun,” Jeongyeon replies, still with that same cheeky smile that Nayeon would very much like to wipe off. 

“Kim Dahyun?”

“ _Bingo_. Your Highness gets it right the first time!” 

Nayeon rolls her eyes and lets out a deep breath. “You can tell Dahyun not to bother,” she says, rising to her feet with the dog in her arms, “Sana isn’t planning on getting back to the dating scene so soon.” She tries not to let it show just how annoyed she is by the question. Because no matter where she goes, she’s always going to be reminded of Minatozaki Sana. It’s a counterproductive method of trying to get the younger girl off her mind, especially after their last argument. 

“Ah.” Jeongyeon feigns getting shot in the heart. “Rejected before she even got the chance to ask Sana out. Press F to pay respects to Dahyun.” 

“F,” Nayeon replies blandly. The dog nips at her fingers and she lets it.

“Just let me know when Sana feels like diving back into the dating scene,” Jeongyeon tells her, almost as an afterthought, “You’d that for me, won’t ya?” 

“No.”

“Then would you do it for Dahyun?” 

“I barely know her.” Nayeon inhales another deep breath. “Besides, Sana isn’t some trophy that gets passed around, okay? Just because she and Sehun are done doesn’t mean that she should get together with somebody else. It really annoys me when I hear people wanting to get into her pants ASAP.” 

Nayeon wishes she hadn’t said those words out loud because Jeonghyeon pauses, tilting her head to the side in confusion. “I feel like I just hit a nerve,” she muses. But her eyes soften and she hesitantly reaches out to squeeze the older girl’s shoulder. “Just so you know,” she adds, “Dahyun’s been crushing on Sana for a year now. She’s not like other guys out there.”

In the back of her mind, Nayeon thinks about how unlucky Kim Dahyun truly is. Because she’s crushing on somebody who has been emotionally unavailable since God-knows-how-long. But then again, Nayeon realizes that the one person she should feel sorry for is herself. 

//

( _“Look,” Kim Jennie pointed out with a sly grin, “Fresh meat.”_

_The entire cheerleading squad all turned their heads and spotted a girl none of them had ever seen before emerging from the cafeteria doors with Park Jihyo next to her. The girl was pretty with long dark hair covering half her face and a penguin-designed bag hanging off one shoulder. It was obvious that she was a new kid. And new kids were always ogled at on their first days, especially in a town as small as theirs._

_“Myoui Mina,” Jung Eunha told all of them, “I heard she’s from Japan.”_

_This seemed to interest both Sana and Momo, who perked up at the mention of their home country. “Really?” Sana asked._

_“Yeah,” Eunha replied, “I also heard that her family’s super duper rich.”_

_“That’s cool.” Momo glanced over at the new girl again. “She’s pretty cute.”_

_The table filled with giggles and squeals at Momo’s comment. Nayeon nudged her best friend’s shoulder, laughing when Momo’s face turned red and she had to cover it with her hands. Across the table, Nayeon saw Sana’s expression souring for a split second. But then it quickly smoothed into a forced smile._

_“Guess Momo has a crush,” Sana said in a singsong voice, looking away._

_Nayeon wondered if Sana ever got tired of pretending, the same way she did when it came to the one she loved._ )

//

When Nayeon arrives home from the animal shelter, she finds Sana pacing back and forth in front of the driveway. She looks stressed, shadows prominent under her eyes, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip and her hands shaking with nerves. When Sana sees Nayeon's car pulling at a stop right in front of her, she tries to smooth down her hair. A telltale sign of her nerves. Nayeon quickly exits her car and walks over.

"Hey," she greets cautiously. 

Sana smiles. "Hi," she says in return, "I was wondering if you'd take me somewhere." 

Nayeon raises an eyebrow, still unsure of this sudden change of heart. Even though Sana quickly gets over arguments and fights, it doesn't mean she forgets them. And this had been a fight about _Momo._ Of course she needed some time to herself. 

"Take you where?" Nayeon asks. 

Sana hops over to the passenger seat of the car and opens it on her own accord. "The one place you're afraid of," she answers cheekily and slides inside. 

// 

It's nearing dark when they arrive at the cliff overlooking the ocean—the first place they went to at the start of the summer. And here they are now—at the end of it. Nayeon sets the car in neutral and leans her chin against the steering wheel. Next to her, Sana bites back a yawn and tilts her head to look at Nayeon. 

"Beautiful, right?" Sana asks. 

This time, Nayeon's eyes are fixed on the landscape, silently admiring the orange hue of the sun bleeding into the evening sky. It's like fire and ice have blended together, creating an almost pinkish or purplish glow to the heavens. "Yeah," she says, nodding, "It's beautiful." 

Sana hums and then wraps her arms around her legs. "We're going to be seniors in a few weeks," she says out of the blue, "Can you believe that?" 

"It's kind of hard to believe." 

When Nayeon turns her cheek to rest against the wheel, she finds Sana looking at her with an inscrutable expression. 

"What's on your mind?" she quietly asks. 

The last time they'd been here on top of this cliff, Nayeon felt both exhilarated and terrified at the sight of the ocean and the altitude at where they stood. Now, in the tiny compact space inside her car, she feels the familiar weight of an invisible hand squeezing her throat tight. Because silence with Sana is never a good thing. It means she's worrying about something. And when Sana worries, it's usually for a good reason. 

"When I was a kid," Sana begins softly, her voice crumbling at the edges, "it felt like the only thing that mattered in the world was high school. Like, if I played my card rights, I'd have everything I want. Good grades, good friends, a good relationship. That's all I ever thought of. People forget who you were in middle school. But high school? That follows you everywhere." 

Nayeon listens, not saying anything, not wanting to interrupt Sana's thoughts. 

"And now that we're only a year away from graduating and going to college, it feels like… it never really mattered," Sana mutters, sighing deeply, "Like juggling all the extra-curriculars and… dating Sehun didn't really matter in the end. Because I wasn't happy." 

Then she looks at Nayeon, eyes wide with unshed tears and forces a shaky smile. 

"The only time I truly felt happy," Sana goes on, "is when I was with you." 

For a split second, Nayeon allows herself to _hope—_

"And Momo," Sana adds. 

Nayeon can hear the pure love and adoration in Sana's voice and accepts the hard-to-swallow pill that's been stuck in her throat for the past several years. 

She will never be Momo. 

She will never be the first choice. 

She will never have Sana. 

"I'm always so stuck worrying about what other people say to me," Sana says, not noticing the shaky breath Nayeon inhales and resting her chin on top of her knees, "that I stopped myself from going after Momo the way I wanted to. Because I didn't want people's perspective of me to change. I didn't want to give them any reason to… make up rumors about me." 

When Sana looks at Nayeon once more, the regret is clear in her eyes. "And now Momo is happy with Mina and there's nothing I can do about that." 

There it is. 

The truth finally slipping out of Sana's lips and Nayeon the one hearing it. 

“Is that why you dated Sehun?” the older girl asks, “Because people wouldn’t make up rumors about you if you did?”

Sana’s silence is the answer Nayeon needs. 

“You know,” Nayeon points out with a heavy sigh, “None of this will matter in the end.” 

“What do you mean?” Sana asks with a frown.

“Like sure, high school can be considered as one of the best parts of our lives,” she begins hesitantly, “but one day, when we’re older and married to the ones we love and have little grandchildren sleeping in our laps, the last thing we’ll be thinking about is the kind of people we were back in high school.” 

Sana stares at her, lips parted. Then the lips—the same ones that Nayeon has spent all summer long memorizing with her own—curve into a wide grin. She looks so painstakingly beautiful that Nayeon has to turn her gaze away, in fear that she’ll be blind sighted once more.

“Im Nayeon,” Sana says in a hushed whisper, leaning forward in her seat, “I really don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Nayeon swallows the lump in her throat. “You’re my best friend,” she mumbles quietly, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel, “I’ll always be here for you.”

//

Some days, it’s easy.

When they’re together, Nayeon pretends that Sana does all these things because she loves her back. Like when Sana texts her ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ every single day without fail. Or when Sana kisses her out of nowhere, simply because she wants to. Or when Sana offers to stay at her place every time the Ims are out on a business trip, because she knows Nayeon doesn’t like being alone in her own house. Every time she does this, Nayeon likes to pretend that maybe, just maybe, a part of Sana could love Nayeon back too. The same way Nayeon has always wanted her to.

Some day, it’s harder.

Because when Sana is screaming her name in the empty house that she’s lived in and gripping her shoulders so tight that she leaves marks, Nayeon knows that what they have is temporary. Being able to kiss Sana, being able to hold her every single night, being able to _be_ with her like all she’s ever wanted—this will never truly be hers. 

Because Sana’s heart has always belonged to Momo.

And Nayeon only occupies a small space there. 

//

There are only three days left for summer. 

An unspoken rule is struck between Nayeon and Sana. Nothing will change between them. It was only a summer thing. They need to stop their arrangement before people find out. On their last night together—Nayeon knows it’s their last night because Sana doesn’t fill the silence with mindless chatter and gossip about unimportant things—the younger girl props her chin on top of her fist and gives Nayeon a soft, gentle smile. The two of them are stripped naked, their bodies covered only by the purple blanket Momo gave to Nayeon as a gift for her twelfth birthday. The only glow in the room is from the bathroom, the light having been left on in their haste to spend their last night together. Sana’s eyes look golden under the sliver of illumination that marks her face and Nayeon can’t look away. 

“Senior year is here,” Sana whispers, reaching out and brushing an eyelash from Nayeon’s cheek. 

Nayeon nods. “Yeah.” 

“This was fun,” Sana murmurs, “Thank you, Nay.” 

“I had fun too.” However short-lived it was, Nayeon knows that she’ll cherish the moments they had this summer. Because she knows this won’t happen again. “I heard Sehun got back from summer school yesterday.” 

Sana hums. “Yeah, Tzuyu told me about it.” 

Nayeon turns her face away and looks at the ceiling above them. “Are you getting back together with him?” Sometimes, she doesn’t know why she willingly hurts herself by asking these types of questions, especially when she already knows the answer. 

“I don’t know,” Sana answers, shifting her body so that she’s also staring up at the ceiling with the blanket hugging her chest, “It depends if he asks.” 

“You know he will.” Nayeon can’t help but let the bitterness seep through her voice. “Jennie told me that he and Kai are already planning this extravagant surprise for you when you get back to school. There’s going to be flowers, chocolates and teddy bears involved.” 

Sana giggles. “Way to ruin the surprise, Nayeon.” She sits up from the bed, presses one last fleeting kiss on Nayeon’s lips and heads to the bathroom to freshen up. As she does this, Nayeon pulls herself into a sitting position, leans against the headboard of her bed and covers her face with her hands. She waits for the sound of running water to start and when it does, she squeezes her eyes shut. Then for a few short seconds, she allows her tears to fall. 

Summer ends and everything goes back to the way it used to be before. 

But things are going to be different now. 

Nayeon doesn’t think she can stand to see Sana and Sehun kissing in the hallway, especially when she’s already gotten a taste of what it’s like to kiss Sana too. She probably should’ve thought this entire arrangement through. Because suddenly, the mere thought of going back to the way things were before is similar to having her heart squeezed out. Nayeon can’t breathe. It’s probably because she gave her heart away to someone who couldn’t accept it. 

“I love you,” she whispers into the air, still with her hands covering her face, “I’ve loved you for so long…” 

It’s a moment of weakness. 

(And in the bathroom, Sana bears witness to the confession.) 

//


	2. if i showed up at your party (would you have me?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sana didn’t notice how Nayeon’s lips and hands were shaking, trying to hold in a confession that had been eating her up since the day she met Sana. But she never said anything. Because like Sana, she too didn’t want anything to change."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost motivation halfway through OMFG!!!! I pushed through it, though. 
> 
> But anyway, after nearly a month since I posted the first chapter, here is the second part!!! 
> 
> Sorry for the angst! And the ending...

Sana spends the next three days spiraling out of control. Three days left for summer. Three days until her senior year officially begins. Three days until all the weight on her shoulders is back once more. 

She worries about seeing Sehun again, knowing that his charming smile could disarm anybody. She worries that once she's back inside the walls of their high school, all she'll think about are her responsibilities. But most of all, she worries about Nayeon. 

_I love you_ , Nayeon had said when she thought Sana wasn't listening in, _I've loved you for so long._

Sana closes her eyes, stuck in limbo inside her room. The same room Nayeon had been a resident in for the entire summer. Everywhere she turns, she is reminded of Nayeon. Nayeon and her bunny smile. Nayeon and her loud laughter. Nayeon and her searing kiss—a comfort in the loneliness that struck Sana's heart the second she and Sehun broke up, the same loneliness she's always felt at the sight of Momo and Mina together. 

But that's the thing, really. 

When Sana thinks of Nayeon, she thinks of Momo. 

//

( _Wherever Momo goes, Nayeon follows. The two of them are peach sisters. Best friends since the womb. When Sana moved in, it was Nayeon and Momo who took her in. It was Nayeon who walked up to her after their first class and told her they were going to be friends. It was Momo who spoke to her in Japanese and made her feel like she was back home. It was the two of them and their contrasting dynamic that made things easier—through thick and thin, through the ups and downs, through boy trouble, through puberty, through_ everything. 

_Sana fell in love with Momo sometime in the fourth grade. It had been something completely out of the ordinary. One day, Nayeon had been absent because she had a fever so it was just Sana and Momo the entire time at school._

_"We should visit Nayeon after class," Momo said._

_The two of them didn't share the strong bond they have now. They were still kids. And kids worried about other things—like homework or their favorite anime. Sana looked up from doodling on her notebook and stared at Momo. "She'll be fine, right?" she said, wanting to go home already so that she can catch up to_ Sailor Moon _on TV._

_"Yeah, of course," Momo agreed, looking absolutely adorable in her pig tails, "but it'll make her feel better if we were there, right?"_

_"I guess so."_

_Momo grinned broadly at her. "We should get her favorite snack," she added, "Fried squid! She'll definitely feel a thousand times better when we visit! I'll ask my dad to buy us one after last period is over."_

_And it was in that moment that Momo stole Sana's heart and refused to give it back._

_Because Momo was selfless and thoughtful and kind and_ so _beautiful. She didn't have to do half the things in her life but she did. She was just wired that way. She loved so deeply and happily, like it wasn't a burden. Like she wanted to spread all the love she had in her heart. Like it didn't hurt her, the same way it hurt Sana when she finally came in terms with her feelings for one of her dearest friends._

_Momo was her best friend._

_Sana was in love with her best friend._

_And later on, Sana often found herself trying to take back the heart Momo stole and asking for it back many, many times. But instead, she found more reasons for Momo to keep it._

_Like the time Nayeon hurt her ankle and Momo carried her all the way to the nurse's office._

_Like when Momo found a stray dog near her house and took him in, naming him Boo after her favorite animated movie._

_Or when Momo stood up against the boys making fun of a young Chou Tzuyu, who easily towered over everybody and was called "a giant freak."_

_Momo's heart was an ocean. You could never see the end of it. It stretched on and on._

_Somewhere along the way, Sana's heart drowned in their depths._ )

//

"Nayeon," Sana whispers in the darkness of her room, closing her eyes shut, "I'm so sorry." 

When she's alone, Sana likes to talk as if the person she's speaking to is already in front of her. It's a way to keep her thoughts at bay and to perfectly craft what's on her mind. When her thoughts are spoken out loud, they're easier to understand. Because most of the time, Sana can't even understand herself. 

" _You're my best friend_ ," she imagines Nayeon saying, " _Why didn't you know?_ " 

"I think I was just blinded," Sana replies, "I was so caught up with myself, I didn't stop to think about how you felt." 

" _Some best friend you are_ ," Nayeon would say with a pained chuckle. 

"I didn't mean to use you like this." Sana reaches out, wanting to take Nayeon into her arms and hold her close, the same way Nayeon did for her all summer long. 

But her hand wraps around thin air instead. 

" _Of course you didn't_ ," the Nayeon in Sana's head says mockingly, " _You're always so busy thinking about yourself, it's no wonder you never saw_ this _coming."_

"That's not true," Sana argues helplessly, "I just—" 

" _In what universe did you think it was okay to play with someone's feelings like this_?" Nayeon says sharply. She doesn't sound like the best friend Sana has grown up with throughout the years. Instead, she sounds like a complete stranger—a manifestation of Sana's worst fears wearing Nayeon's face. 

"I should've known," Sana mutters, covering her own face with her hands, "I'm your best friend… why didn't I see it before?" 

" _We all know why_ ," Nayeon's voice says into her ear, hard and unrelenting. 

"Tell me then." Sana's throat closes in on itself. "Why didn't I see that you were hurting?" 

If Sana tries hard enough, she can imagine Nayeon leaning forward and placing a hand right on top of her chest, directly over her rapidly beating heart. It's quiet for a few seconds as Sana’s thoughts still. Then, in a soft, barely-heard whisper, the Nayeon in Sana's head says, " _Because you were hurting too_." 

//

( _Sana should've said no to Sehun._

_He asked her out in freshmen year when Sana was the most insecure about herself and where she stood in life. She had her rocks—Nayeon and Momo—always by her side but it felt different. Sometimes, she felt detached from them. She looked at them and envied them for having life seemingly figured out. Momo wanted to be a veterinarian because taking care of animals and being surrounded by them was the only thing she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Nayeon wanted to pursue film studies. She loved watching movies and admiring the cinematography. It was always Sana whom she reached out to when she wanted to watch a movie in the cinema, simply because Momo ended up falling asleep halfway through._

_But then Sehun came, swept her off her feet and told her that she was beautiful, smart and all the right buzzwords that made girls like her blush. Unlike other boys, he didn’t ask her out because she was pretty, even though that was a large part of it. Instead, he asked her out because they shared a class together and he always thought she was smarter than everybody else in the room._

_“You’re going to do great things, Sana,” he once told her during one of their random dates, eyes sparkling, “I can feel it.”_

_That was the thing about Sehun_ — _he made Sana feel_ seen _._ )

//

Did she love him? 

A part of her did. 

But not the way she loves Momo. 

Not the way Nayeon loves her. 

//

School starts up again but Sana doesn’t attend the first day. 

She thinks about what Nayeon told her a few days ago and how Sehun was preparing to win her back with a bunch of gifts and decides to spend the day lying around in bed instead. She doesn’t think she can face anybody right now, especially when the consequences of what went down this summer has finally caught up to her. 

She broke up with Sehun, not because of their disagreements about summer school, but because Sana couldn’t stop lying to herself any longer. When she found out about Momo and Mina’s relationship, it felt like a punch in the throat. It reminded her of what she had traded for when she decided to date Sehun. But here she was, faced with feelings she had forced herself to ignore because not everybody likes it when a girl dates another girl. When Sana was singled out as one of the popular girls, she was gripped with a burden she never wanted in the first place. And it was because of that burden—a mixture of terror, fear and anxiety that had led Sana to accept a boy’s heart into her hands even though she had already given hers away a long time ago. 

And Nayeon… 

She knew all about it. 

Sana finds herself hugging her knees in the corner of her room as her phone rings for the eighteenth time that day. Nayeon’s name flashes on the screen for the eighteenth time. And for the eighteenth time, Sana lets it go to voicemail. 

How can she ever face her best friend again? Especially after what they did the entire summer? When Sana only cared about her own healing, never realizing that she was a detrimental instrument to Nayeon’s? 

This isn’t how you treat somebody who has feelings for you. 

If the roles had been reversed… if it was Momo who leaned forward during that movie… and Sana's feelings for her were as clear and transparent as ever… would she have done the same thing as Nayeon? 

"Of course not," she tries to argue, "I wouldn't do that to myself." 

But deep down inside, Sana knows that if she could turn back time, she'd go back to sixth grade—when Momo picked truth and confessed that she had a crush on Sana. This time, things would be different. This time, Sana would turn to Momo, look her in the eye and tell her that she had a crush on her too, even though _crush_ was a light way to say it. Because Minatozaki Sana was in love with Hirai Momo, even until now when Momo already belonged to someone else... And if Sana could pick anybody to spend the rest of her life with, it would be Momo. Without a doubt. 

And yet, there _is_ doubt. 

Because picking Momo would mean _not_ picking Nayeon. 

If Sana knew of Nayeon's feelings beforehand, would she trust herself to tell Momo about her own? With the weight of this knowledge in her mind, could she bear to willingly hurt Nayeon in the process of being with Momo? If given the choice and if given everything she knows now, could she handle the guilt of breaking Nayeon's heart just to heal her own? 

Sana should stop thinking. 

But she _can't._ After all, this is why she sought out Nayeon in the first place. Because Nayeon made her stop thinking. Nayeon, with her crude jokes, bunny smile and loud laugh, made her stop thinking about all the things she had done wrong in her life. Because Nayeon is her best friend and Nayeon _knew_ about her conflicted feelings for Momo. So why did she—?

_You’re my best friend_ , Nayeon had told her, _I’ll always be here for you._

“Is that why?” Sana asks the room, not really expecting a response, so it comes as more than a surprise when she hears one: 

“Why what?”

Sana looks up and sees Momo standing in the doorway, holding a few _Umaibos_ in her hands—classic corn puffs from Japan. At the sight of her best friend, Sana’s inner turmoils only seem to worsen. Because Momo has never left her mind since they were kids so it’s always a surprise when she seems to materialize out of nowhere. 

“Hey,” Sana greets, standing up from the little corner in which she sat, “What are you doing here?” 

“You didn’t show up on the _first_ day of our senior year,” Momo says with a worried smile, “I figured you’d be sick or kidnapped. You never miss the first day." 

Sana decides to lie through her teeth again—something she's grown used to around Momo. "Yeah," she says, "I was feeling a bit under the weather." 

"You look like it." Momo enters the room and sits on Sana's bed, the way she used to when they were kids. "Everybody was looking for you.”

Sana thinks about the eighteen missed calls from Nayeon and nods. “Yeah,” she says, “I’m sorry for worrying everybody.” 

“It’s okay." Momo smiles at her. "Do you have a fever?" 

"Something like that, yeah." 

Momo pats the space next to her on the bed and Sana goes to take a seat. Then Momo claps her hands, effectively shutting the lights off. It's not pitch black inside, especially since the sun is still an hour away from setting, but Sana feels even more tired with everything switched off. Like she could crawl under the covers and sleep her sorrows away. 

"I brought your favorite," Momo says, handing Sana one _Umaibo_ , "Thought you could use it."

"Thanks, Momoring." Sana takes one, opens the wrapper and pops it into her mouth. 

It's quiet. They've been together for so long they don't need to fill the silence. Sana is different when she's with other people because she likes to talk about random things—about philosophy, about her day, about what Coach Lee said to her during cheerleading practice—but it's different with Momo. Sana lets herself think. Because it is always Momo who is in the deepest corners of her brain and she wants to be filled with every thought of her even when they are together. 

Momo doesn't mind the silence between them as well. 

The two of them eat their snacks in relative peace until Momo stands up, throws the wrapping away and comes back to ask, "You know, I bumped into Sehun earlier." 

Sana swallows the lump in her throat, remembering what Nayeon had told her. "Yeah?"

"He asked me where you were." 

"What did you say?" 

"The truth." Momo gives her a pointed look. "I didn't know where you were. You and Nayeon have been glued at the hip the entire summer. But turns out she didn't know as well.”

_Nayeon._ Sana feels the lump in her throat return again. “How was she?” she asks. 

“Worried.” 

“Oh.”

Momo looks at her carefully. “Did something happen between you two?” 

Sana’s always been so good at lying to Momo’s face but for some reason, when it comes to Nayeon, she just can’t bear to do it. She’s been beating herself up for not realizing that Nayeon has loved her all along. And now that the truth is staring at her in the face, she just can’t simply keep lying to her, to Momo and to herself any longer. 

Within seconds, she feels her entire resolve shatter and with the half-eaten corn puff in her hand, she succumbs into tears. Momo, alarmed at the sudden shift in the mood, quickly wraps Sana up into a warm embrace. And Sana lets her. 

"I—I—I did s—so—something bad," Sana whispers against Momo's neck, "I—I—I _hurt_ Nayeon." 

“Hey, hey,” Momo whispers, soothing her back and pressing a kiss against her forehead, “It’s okay, we can fix it but I need you to tell me what happened, okay?”

“It’s _not_ okay,” Sana stresses, continuing to sob, “It’s _never_ going to be okay.”

“Come on now.” Momo laughs quietly. “Nothing is permanent, remember?”

Sana _does_ remember. After all, she doesn’t think she can forget anything when it comes to Momo.

//

_"Oh my God," Sana said after one long look into the mirror, "Look at the size of this_ pimple _."_

_Momo cackled from her bed, rising to her feet and heading to Sana's side. Nayeon was playing on her phone but she made a sound of acknowledgement at the dilemma in hand. Meanwhile, Sana was still staring at her face and that large pimple that looked like a crater right in the middle of her forehead._

_"This is_ horrible _," Sana whined, " I have a date later!"_

_Sehun wasn't that superficial to care too much about Sana's imperfections but Sana wanted to present herself in the best way possible. She couldn't do that with a goddamn_ pimple _!_

_“It’s okay,” Momo said, picking some blush on from the table, “Nothing is permanent. We can fix this.”_

_That was always Momo’s go-to response._ Nothing is permanent. _She always said it during moments of distress_ — _when she got a bad grade on an exam, when she was scolded by her mom, when the football team lost at regionals, when she felt unhappy or anxious or just not in the mood for practice or school. Nothing was permanent, especially when it came to emotions._

_Especially when it came to feelings…_

_Momo grabbed Sana’s face with her left hand and carefully applied some make-up on her forehead. Their close proximity was enough to make Sana feel dizzy. Seeing Momo up close was always something Sana tried to treasure. Even though it happened multiple times due to them not knowing the concept of personal space, Sana just couldn’t get enough of her._

_“There,” Momo said with a wry grin, leaning back, “Perfect.”_

_Sana was so absorbed in trying to memorize that grin she didn’t notice the other person in the room putting down her phone, looking over at them and sighing quietly._

//

“Nayeon loves me,” Sana whispers. 

Momo stills. “What?” 

“She loves me, Momo,” Sana continues, feeling the tears streaming down her cheeks, “All along, she’s always loved me… and I didn’t know.” 

“Is… is that a bad thing?” 

Sana nods, still unable to raise her face and look Momo in the eye. “Yes,” she whispers. 

“You’ve broken up with Sehun, right?” Momo points out as she leans away from Sana so that they’re looking at each other properly; “What’s the problem here? Nayeon _loves_ you! That’s amazing, right? I mean, being with your best friend is like one of the greatest feelings of all—”

But then Sana shakes her head and Momo _finally_ realizes.

“Oh,” she says, her shoulders deflating, “you don’t love her.”

“I _do_ ,” Sana is quick to say, wiping away the tears that have pooled in her eyes, “Please don’t get me wrong, Momo. I _do_ love Nayeon. It’s just…” 

“You just don’t love her the same way,” Momo clarifies. 

All Sana can offer is a defeated nod. 

Momo sighs and doesn’t say anything else. It seems that she understands the implications of what this could mean for their friendship. Offering only her silence and her warm embrace, she lets Sana cry her out. Nothing else needs to be said at that moment.

And in that moment, Sana keeps the truth hidden in her heart—

—the same truth that is the reason why she doesn’t love Nayeon.

(Because she loves Momo.)

//

_It has always been Momo_. 

//

Sana doesn’t really know what to say if she sees Nayeon again. 

A part of her wants to confront Nayeon head-on about the feelings she has kept to herself all this time. Another part of her knows that if she said anything about it now, it could jeopardize their entire friendship. And as much as she loves Nayeon with all her heart and wants to absolve her of these feelings that Sana simply cannot return, Sana doesn’t want to lose a friend. 

Especially when that friend is Nayeon.

Nayeon, who has been there for her since the beginning. 

Nayeon, who has held her in her arms as she cried. 

Nayeon, who loved Sana so silently and deeply these past few years, and never said a word about it. 

Sana can’t lose that… 

So the next time she sees Nayeon (which is the second day of senior year) she fakes a smile, conjures up a story of her feeling 'under the weather,' winks at her best friends and proceeds to ask all the juicy details about what she missed while she was away. 

Nayeon smiles, looking relieved. 

Momo doesn't say anything. This isn't odd in itself. She gets stuck in her own world sometimes. But then again, what catches Sana off guard is not what Momo isn't saying. It's what she _is_ saying as she looks at Sana from across the lunch table, eyebrows furrowed together and a frown permanently in place, a silent question being posed: 

_Are you not going to say anything, Sana-chan?_

Sana doesn't know. 

She really doesn't know anything anymore. 

//

_"If you could go anywhere you want," Nayeon asked her during a sleepover when they were only thirteen, long after Momo had fallen asleep during the movie they were watching, "where would you go?"_

_Sana thought about the question hard, swinging her legs back and forth as they hung from the couch. Nayeon was lying upside down on her back, feet propped up over the couch and head also hanging from the edge of where she sat. They were now watching the black screen of the TV, mindlessly reading the credits displayed. They had just finished watching_ Up _, which meant it was time for Nayeon's usual round of questions. She always had a lot of stuff in mind after each movie._

_"Everywhere," Sana replied after a while, "I want to go everywhere when I grow up."_

_Nayeon laughed. "That means you need to save up a lot."_

_"Which means I have to get into a good school." Sana sighed. "High school is really important. Like you have to do_ everything _right if you want to get into a good school, a good job, a good life and everything else. You know?"_

_"Of course I know." Nayeon scoffed, righting herself into a proper sitting position. "You never shut up about high school."_

_Sana rolled her eyes. "I talk about things too."_

_"Yeah, like_ boys _," Nayeon said with a snicker, "By the way, I heard Jackson Wang talking to his friends about asking you out."_

_The thought was less than appealing to Sana who really only wanted to be asked out by one specific person—one who was currently knocked unconscious by the movie they had watched. With a subtle glance to Momo sleeping on the floor by their feet, Sana dismissed the statement with a shake of her head, brought her knees to her chest, leaned her chin on top of them and asked, "What about you?"_

_"What about me?"_

_"Where do you wanna go?"_

_Nayeon hummed, not looking at her. "Everywhere," she said, "Just like you."_

_Sana grinned. "Maybe you should come with me."_

_"If that's what you want," Nayeon said nonchalantly, still not looking at her, "then I see why not."_

//

"Hey." Sehun corners her after the fifth period, smiling hesitantly at her. “Can we talk?” 

Sana inhales sharply at the sight of him. They’d spent the entire summer apart she’d almost forgotten what he’d look like. Their relationship feels so far away that seeing Sehun, looking unchanged except for a shorter haircut, is a bit jarring to see. 

“Hey, yeah of course,” she says in return, noticing a crowd of students glancing at them discreetly.

Sehun glances at them as well before he lays a gentle hand on Sana’s shoulder and leads her out of the hallways and into the parking lot. There are a couple of stoner kids sitting in one corner, passing a joint. Sana spots Yoo Jeongyeon and Son Chaeyoung laughing with a few of their friends, looking carefree and happy. They don’t notice Sana and Sehun as they enter his car and sit in relative silence for a good five minutes. 

“So,” Sehun begins, tapping his fingers on the wheel, “You didn’t come to school yesterday.”

Sana nods, breathing in deeply. “Yeah, I was feeling a bit… under the weather.” 

“Yeah, I heard.” 

Of course he did. All of Sana’s secrets always manage to find their way out into the surface, like roots aching for sunlight. She wonders what else will bloom into fruition. 

“I’ll just cut to the chase, okay?” Sehun smiles at her once again—the same smile that used to leave her breathless and disarmed. “What happened the last time we saw each other… it was a mistake. It was just a stupid argument, right? And I’m sorry for anything I said that was way out of line. It’s just... I couldn’t stop thinking about you the entire time we were apart, Sana…” 

He reaches out and places his hand on top of Sana’s. 

“I was wondering,” he begins, clearing his throat lightly, “and you can say no, if you want. But… would you want to get back together?”

Here is a boy who sees her. 

Here is a boy who loves her. 

Here is a boy who will come back to her, even after getting dumped over something as petty as _summer school_. 

But all Sana can think about is Nayeon. 

_The only time I truly felt happy was when I was with you_. 

In her mind’s eye, she thinks of the summer she spent with Nayeon. The one where she tried to forget about Sehun and move on from Momo. She thinks of their moments together—eating out in the most random of places, grabbing a cup of coffee and complaining about the taste, watching movies together, making out in the backseat of Nayeon’s Maserati, hearing Nayeon scream her name in the bedroom, watching Nayeon sleep, listening to Nayeon laugh, staring at Nayeon’s bunny smile—

“I had this whole big romantic speech in my head,” Sehun says suddenly, laughing off his nerves when Sana doesn’t respond immediately, “and I even had Kai buy me a couple of gifts for you. I was supposed to surprise you yesterday, when you walked towards your locker. But you never showed up and all those gifts are still back home, if you want—” 

“Sehun,” Sana says, reaching out and cupping Sehun’s face in her hands, “It’s okay.” 

Sehun tilts his head to the side, frowning deeply. “Okay what?” he asks in a quiet voice.

Sana thinks of what Nayeon told her. 

_When we’re older and married to the ones we love and have little grandchildren sleeping in our laps, the last thing we’ll be thinking about is the kind of people we were back in high school._

That’s the thing, really.

Sana doesn’t like the person she is now. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbles, letting out a deep sigh, “I can’t get back together with you.” 

Sehun’s eyes widen in surprise, as if those words are the last thing he expects to come out of Sana’s mouth. “Wait,” he begins, leaning back with a hurt look on his face, “you’re serious?” 

“I can’t be with you,” Sana goes on, shaking her head, “It’s not right.”

“Sana, we’ve been together for _three_ years,” he points out, the desperation and agony in his voice increasing with each second, “I thought that was just a _break_. I mean, we were on a break, remember? Was it really that serious? I mean, is there anything else I did wrong—?”

“It’s not you,” Sana says, closing her eyes, “it’s me.”

“This isn’t the time for some cliche reason—” 

Sana can’t take the lies anymore. “I’m not in love with you,” she finally says through gritted teeth, her hands clenched tightly into fists, “I can’t be with you anymore because I’m not in love with you.” 

Silence. 

When Sana opens her eyes, she finds Sehun staring at her as if he doesn’t even know who she is anymore, as if the person he’s dated over the past three years no longer exists, as if she is nothing more than a stranger to him. She can understand why he would feel this way. After all, she shifted and molded her entire personality to cater to what was expected of her. Head cheerleader dating the football quarterback? Of course that meant going to every football game and cheering her boyfriend on. Of course that meant stroking his ego and attending parties by his side. Of course that meant keeping her _real_ thoughts to herself and her even _realer_ feelings for Momo into the back of her mind.

Because they were Oh Sehun and Minatozaki Sana—king and queen of the school. 

They were _perfect._

Well, supposedly. 

“You waited three years to tell me that?” Sehun asks in a quiet whisper. He doesn’t sound angry but upset and confused. He’s never been the violent type but his anger can be a quiet beast, unexpected and suffocating. Inside the car, Sana realizes that this is the most angry she’s ever seen her boyfriend—well, _ex_ -boyfriend. 

“I didn’t want to keep lying to myself anymore,” Sana explains. When she reaches out to touch Sehun’s shoulder, he flinches. 

“I should’ve known,” he mumbles, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, “There’s somebody else, right?” 

Sana’s heart seizes up in fear. “No,” she hastily says, “There’s nobody else, I promise.” 

Old fears will _always_ remain, no matter how much Sana likes to pretend that she’s conquered them in small victories. If Sehun finds out about her feelings for Momo, then he might tell the whole school. And in doing so, he could ruin the already precarious relationship she holds with her best friends. She doesn’t want to ruin Momo and Mina’s blossoming relationship. But most importantly, she doesn’t want Nayeon to be reminded once again of the reason why her feelings are unrequited. 

"I _know_ you, Sana," Sehun goes on with a pained expression, “There’s no way you’d do this if there isn’t somebody else involved. Somebody important.” 

Then he gives her the same look he gave her all those years ago—the same look that tells Sana he sees right through her. 

“You’re not in love with me,” he says in an agreeable tone, “but you’re in love with someone else, right?” 

Sana opens her mouth to refute his statement but Sehun just raises a hand and stops her. 

“It’s okay,” he says, smiling bitterly, “I’ll get over it. This is high school, you know?” 

_But we spent three years together_ , Sana wants to say but doesn’t. Reminding him now will only serve to hurt him. And she knows she can’t do that. Especially when he’s been nothing but a good and loyal boyfriend. 

( _Ex-boyfriend_.)

A voice in the back of her head—suspiciously sounding like Nayeon—whispers: “ _When will you stop hurting other people with your secrets_?” 

She doesn’t know.

She never really knows anything anymore. 

“I’ll see you around,” Sehun adds and Sana hears it for what it is—him asking her for some time away. 

She nods and leaves his car. Once she’s out, she can hear the stoner kids behind her howling at what they probably thought was a quick make-out session between the football quarterback and the head cheerleader. She glances their way, glaring at the people she sees to be Mark Tuan and Kim Taehyung hollering at her. On the other hand, Yoo Jeongyeon and Son Chaeyoung are looking at her with interest. It makes her skin crawl. There’s no doubt in her mind that more rumors will circulate by the time last period is over. 

So she does something she’s never done in public.

She raises her left hand and throws the stoner kids the middle finger. 

Amidst the chaos that follows, the last thing she hears before she leaves the parking lot is Son Chaeyoung’s impressed voice saying: “ _Goddamn, Minatozaki_.” 

//

“So,” Nayeon tells her before the first period, leaning against her locker casually, “I heard something from a certain Yoo Jeongyeon.”

Sana’s skin prickles at their close proximity. She remembers how they spent their summer together—tangled in each other’s arms, memorizing each other’s breathing, giggling to themselves as if they weren’t pushing the boundaries of their friendship. Sana can’t look at Nayeon the same way after she heard that confession in the bathroom. And now that they’re relatively back to normal now, it pains her to wonder what Nayeon feels when she looks at her. 

“Didn’t know you were friends,” Sana comments lightly, checking her reflection in the mirror she has inside her locker. 

“I wouldn’t go as far as saying that,” Nayeon goes on, smiling. 

It used to make Sana very happy to see Nayeon smiling. After all, her best friend has one of the prettiest smiles. But seeing it now just hurts more than anything else. Because in her mind, she can’t help but ask herself if Nayeon is faking it and if she’s been faking it for the past several years. She wonders because she’s been doing the same thing with Momo for a very long time. 

“What did she say?” 

“Something about you giving them the middle finger.” Judging from Nayeon’s voice, it’s clear she’s trying her best to hold in her laughter. 

Sana lets herself smile, still not looking at Nayeon. “Yeah, I did.”

At the confirmation, Nayeon bursts out laughing and slaps Sana on the shoulder. Her hand is heavy, as it always is, and Sana remembers all the times she tangled it with her own when their nightly activities were finished and the only thing left to do was sleep together. She shakes her head because she can’t remember all the times they’ve been together, not knowing the full extent of Nayeon’s pain during those moments. 

“Didn’t realize you had it in you,” Nayeon comments, looping her arm around Sana’s and leading her to their first class together, “Anyway, do you want to watch a movie with me over the weekend? I’ll buy us tickets.” 

It’s their thing. Nayeon always invites Sana because Momo always falls asleep halfway through. And everytime a movie ends, Nayeon always turns to her and asks her a series of questions that she built up throughout the entire two hours they spent sitting in darkness. And everytime she is asked, Sana always does her best to answer, because Nayeon is her friend and she loves listening to her friend. 

The only time that certain tradition shattered was during the summer, when Sana asked Nayeon if she’d let her kiss her while they were sitting in the darkness of a movie theatre, where no eyes could see nor judge them.

Sana isn’t quite certain why she asked in the first place. A part of her thinks that it was because she was lonely and heartbroken. A larger part of her was certain that Nayeon would say no.

But instead, Nayeon said yes. 

“Oh, I can’t,” Sana lies smoothly through a bright smile, “I have to help my dad with something.”

“Oh.” Nayeon’s face falls but she quickly tries to hide it. Sana sees the change in her expression. She wonders why she hasn’t been able to see it all along. The two of them are similar in a lot of ways. Nayeon doesn’t put her heart on her sleeve like she does and she’s good at lying to people she cares about. Sana has always prided herself in being good at reading her best friend but she never thought to read through her secrets, firmly believing that Nayeon didn’t have anything to hide from her in the first place.

Until now. 

“Maybe next time?” Sana suggests, patting Nayeon’s cheek, “I’ll make time for you.”

Nayeon’s smile brightens as she nods enthusiastically. “You better,” she says. 

And it’s in that moment that Sana remembers the saying ‘ _love is blind_.’ Because she’s always been certain that Nayeon knows her better than anybody else, even better than Momo. And yet, when Sana lied to her face just now, Nayeon didn’t seem to realize it. 

//

(Nayeon calls but Sana isn’t there for her.)

//

( _“Momo has a crush on Mina,” Nayeon told her one evening where they were studying for a test together._

_The words were met with silence. But inside Sana’s ribcage, a war was raging._

_“I know,” Sana said nonchalantly, barely shooting Nayeon a glance, “It’s kind of obvious. I noticed it when Momo stopped buying snacks during practice just to save up for a Nintendo Switch. It wasn’t hard to connect the dots.”_

_Momo’s heart was so vast and encompassing, it didn’t surprise Sana that she could fit a whole Myoui Mina in there._

_“Are you okay with that?” Nayeon asked gently, her voice soft._

_Sana looked up from her notes, forced a smile and said, “Of course, she’s my best friend. Why wouldn’t I be?”_ )

//

(Weeks pass and the Nayeon-shaped hole in Sana’s heart deepens. 

They’ve never been apart. 

Sana misses her best friend so dearly.)

//

“Stop this.”

It’s after cheerleading practice. Sana stalled from heading back to the locker room so that she didn’t have to be alone with Nayeon. She came back, thinking that all the others would’ve already left. Instead, she finds herself looking down at Momo sitting on a bench, clearly waiting for her. 

Sana’s shoulders immediately tense. “Stop what?” she asks with a shaky smile. 

“What you’re doing.”

“What I’m doing is standing in the middle of our locker room.” Sana moves to her locker, depositing her things inside and wanting nothing more than a quick shower. She can feel Momo’s gaze on her back, heavy and judging. It makes her skin crawl. “If you have something to say,” she begins, trying her best to keep her voice from shaking, “then just say it.” 

“Stop hurting Nayeon,” Momo says quietly.

Sana stops whatever she’s doing, takes a deep breath and looks over her shoulder at Momo. “I’m not hurting her,” she says. 

“You might not see it,” Momo points out, “but I do. You don’t see how hurt she is everytime you pull away from her or make up an excuse on why you can’t spend time together. God, when you didn’t even bother opening her message on Snapchat, she looked seconds away from crying.” The frustration is clear in Momo’s voice. Her face crumples in agony. The sight sends daggers into Sana’s heart. 

“I just think,” she begins, curling her hands into fists, “that she deserves some time away from me.”

“What she deserves is the truth, Sana-chan.” Momo has switched into Japanese now and hearing her mother tongue worsens the pain in Sana’s chest. “Nayeon doesn’t know that you know. She just thinks that she did something wrong.” 

Silence. 

Momo frowns. "Unless she did _do_ something wrong…” 

“No,” Sana hastily says, shaking her head, “she didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Then _why_ are you doing this?” Momo moves to stand up and approach her best friend, face full of confusion and frustration, “She loves you. So what?” 

Sana understands that Momo is missing a crucial piece of the puzzle here. After all, she was off spending time with her new girlfriend. She doesn’t know that Nayeon and Sana spent the entire summer together—kissing in the darkness of movie theatres, having sex every other night, Sana stringing Nayeon along and Nayeon letting her. Momo might think that she sees a lot of things between the three of them but Sana knows this is not the case. Momo doesn’t know anything. She’s been blind to everything that’s been going on.

The same way Sana has been blind to Nayeon’s feelings all this time. 

“You don’t understand,” Sana mutters, shutting her locker with a loud _bang_. She rarely gets upset but once she feels as if she’s backed into a corner, she can’t help but lash out. 

“Then make me understand,” Momo goes on, sounding extremely hurt, “You guys are my best friends. I just can’t watch us fall apart like this!” 

“If you were our best friend, then you would’ve known this was happening in the first place,” Sana spits out harshly, moving away to put distance between her and Momo, “This is between me and Nayeon. So why don’t you just go run along to Mina and be with her? You were doing that the entire summer. This shouldn’t be any different, right?” 

“That’s not fair,” Momo says quietly, “Don’t drag Mina into this.” 

Sana scoffs, rolling her eyes. Of course that’s the first thing Momo thinks about. “Whatever,” she mutters, grabbing her stuff from the bench. She’ll just take a shower back home. She can’t bear to be with Momo a second longer.

“You know,” Momo begins as Sana starts walking away from her, “if I found out my best friend loved me like that, I wouldn’t shut them out like this.” 

Sana stops walking, the statement rooting her in her spot. Something inside her—something she’s held in for years— _finally_ snaps. With hot angry tears filing her eyes, she turns around and glares at her best friend. “Really?” she says, unable to keep the mockery in her voice, “If you found yourself in the same position as me, you really wouldn’t react the same way as I have?” 

Momo nods her head stubbornly, crossing her arms. “Of course not,” she says, “I don’t want to hurt my best friend.” 

“You’re so—” Sana brings her hands up and covers her face. 

_Pure._

_Innocent._

_Lovable._

_God, I love you so much it’s hurting me_ , she thinks to herself, remembering all the times Momo has hurt her. Of course all those moments are unintentional. Because Momo doesn’t know about her feelings. She doesn’t know that she’s been hurting her best friend all these years… 

“Remember sixth grade?” Momo presses on, “Truth or dare? I told everybody I had a crush on you, remember? And it didn’t change anything between us. So why does everything have to change between you and Nayeon?”

“Because I don’t love Nayeon,” Sana tells her.

“And you don’t love me too,” Momo points out. 

“But I do,” Sana says in a broken whisper, her entire body trembling with fear as the secret that she’s been holding on for the past several years finally slips past her lips, “I do love you.” 

It’s nerve-wracking to see how Momo’s entire expression changes from confusion to realization and then finally to understanding. “Oh,” she says, dropping on the bench behind her, “I see.” She looks at Sana, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. “You love me?” 

Sana can’t bear to look at her. “I don’t want things to change,” she whispers, pointedly ignoring the question and wiping at the tears that have been steadily streaming down her cheeks, “I _never_ wanted things to change. I don’t want to come between you and Mina. And I don’t want to hurt Nayeon any more than I already have—”

“How long?” Momo interrupts, looking at her intensely. 

“Since we were kids,” Sana is quick to reply, hugging herself and sinking onto the floor opposite the bench where Momo sat, “You don’t know how long I’ve loved you, Momo.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Momo sounds so confused and hurt that it opens up a hole in Sana’s chest that never fully healed. 

_Why didn’t you tell Momo how you felt_? Sana remembers Nayeon’s question in the middle of summer. She remembers the fear that seized her heart. She remembers how she pulled away, afraid of facing that fear. She remembers the way she shut Nayeon out for an entire week, because she couldn’t handle the regret and pain that filled her bones. 

For the first time in a long time, she tells Momo the truth. “I was scared,” she confesses shakily, “I was scared of what everybody would think of me.” 

Sana always prides herself in being confident in herself. But it never went below surface level. High school is a minefield, after all. One mistake and it will haunt you for the rest of your life. This is why Sana has sacrificed so much to project the perfect image—the perfect grades, the perfect looks, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect circle of friends… 

And yet, seeing the complete and utter anguish in Momo’s eyes, Sana realizes just how wrong she is. 

There are some mistakes worth making. 

“The reason why I don’t love Nayeon,” she goes on slowly, “is because I love you.”

( _Nothing is permanent_.)

Sana closes her eyes when she hears Momo standing up and heading towards the exit. She expects to be left alone in the locker room. Instead, Momo stops right next to her, kneels down and wraps her up in a warm embrace.

“I’m sorry,” Momo tells her and she’s crying, her tears falling on Sana’s hair, “I’m _so_ sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.” 

Sana’s lower lip trembles. The weight she’s been carrying all along—the feelings she’s held in secret—they melt away like butter. But with this old weight gone, she feels another replace it. Because even though she's finally confessed how she’s felt, she understands that nothing will change between her and Momo. Because Momo loves somebody else and Sana is simply just too late. This truth weighs heavily in her mind. 

And now that this is finally off her chest, there’s another secret she needs to confess.

“I haven’t been honest with you,” Sana goes on to say, sniffling, “Something went down between me and Nayeon… which is why I just can’t face her right now.” 

“Tell me,” Momo says earnestly, pressing a soft and chaste kiss on her best friend’s temple, “Tell me everything.”

Momo is her best friend, the same way Nayeon is. 

(Best friends are supposed to tell each other everything.)

So, after weeks of keeping it all together, Sana finally tells Momo what happened during the summer… 

//

( _“Have you ever imagined what your wedding would look like?” Nayeon asked after they finished watching_ Imagine Me And You. 

_Sana snorted, switching the TV off with the remote and throwing it back on the couch. “Aren’t you too young to be thinking that sort of stuff?” she asked with a wide grin._

_“First of all, I’m older than you,” Nayeon reminded her in a haughty tone, “Second of all, you’re never too young to imagine your ideal wedding!”_

_Sana rolled her eyes and twisted her body so that she was facing her best friend properly on the couch. It was just the two of them during one of their sleepovers. Momo was off visiting her grandmother so she couldn’t come. But Sana didn’t mind. She loved spending time with Nayeon, watching movies with her and answering any absurd questions that might come her way._

_“Okay, I’ll bite,” Sana said, “Have you imagined what your ideal wedding would look like?”_

_Nayeon grinned, showing off her cute bunny teeth. “Nope,” she answered, “I haven’t really given it much thought.”_

_“Eh? Then why did you ask?”_

_“No reason,” Nayeon answered, waving her off, “Personally, I don’t think we should be thinking of what our ‘ideal’ wedding should be.”_

_Sana leaned forward, humming. “Then what should we be thinking about?” she asked._

_“Who the wedding is for,” Nayeon replied, looking away, “and who we’re getting married to.”_

_“Let me guess.” Sana felt a grin taking over her face. “You want to get married to the hottest boy in school right now. Oh, I heard Park Jinyoung has a crush on you! Did he tell you that? And if you don’t like him, that’s fine. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Hoseok’s kind of cute too, you know?”_

_And Sana went on, discussing all the boys who might be interested in Nayeon and who Nayeon could be interested in. She talked about weddings and how each of those boys would look cute in a suit. She was so wrapped up in her discussion she didn’t notice how Nayeon’s lips and hands were shaking, trying to hold in a confession that had been eating her up ever since the day she met Sana. But she never said anything. Because like Sana, she too didn’t want anything to change._

_//_

(Sana sees Nayeon everyday—during their classes, during lunch breaks, during cheerleading practice—but she doesn’t let herself get too close.

She doesn’t want to ruin Nayeon any more than she already has.

It’s probably already too late.)

//

“Nayeon’s throwing a party this Friday,” Momo tells Sana during their shared English class. 

Sana looks up from her phone and tries to see if there’s anything else that Momo isn’t telling her. 

“You should come,” her best friend says lightly, smiling. The smile is genuine. It reaches Momo’s eyes. “I think Nayeon would like that.”

“I’m not sure,” Sana mutters, “Did you talk to her?”

After what happened at the locker room, Sana’s worst fears were for nothing. Because Momo is determined not to push her away. Instead, they’ve been spending more time together. They don’t say it out loud but it’s clear that Momo is trying to make up for everything that’s happened. While the gesture is touching at best, it’s not necessary.

In time, these feelings will fade. After all, nothing is permanent. Sana cannot hold Momo hostage of something she cannot control. 

“No,” Momo replies, leaning her chin on her hand, “I think this is something _you_ two need to talk about.” 

And with those words, Momo turns away. 

//

After her last class ends, Sana grabs her bag and leaves the classroom, thinking about cheerleading practice. She’s more than surprised to see somebody already waiting for her by her locker. It takes half a second for her to recognize the girl as Kim Dahyun. 

“Hey,” Sana greets, her mouth curling into a smile, “Dahyun, right?” 

Dahyun squeaks once she realizes who she’s facing. “Oh, hi, Sana!” Her pale cheeks turn bright pink. The sight of it makes Sana want to coo at her. 

“Is there anything I can help you with?” Sana asks, opening her locker and glancing occasionally at Dahyun. 

“Uhm…” Dahyun looks very flustered, which is kind of concerning. “I just want to say I’m sorry about your break-up with Sehun.” 

“Oh.” Sana purses her lips. Of course everybody’s heard about it. Sehun’s already spent the past month moping. “Thank you.”

Then Dahyun thrusts a poster at Sana while still wearing that flustered look on her face. “If you ever, you know, need to keep your mind off things,” she says, “there’s this open mic event near Starbucks this Friday. I play the piano there. The theme for this month is _For The Brokenhearted_.” 

Sana looks at the poster, staring at the very large and very red heart that takes up the entire page. It has a very familiar design which means it doesn’t take long for her to realize that the entire picture she’s holding in her hand was drawn by none other than Son Chaeyoung herself. She sees her signature at the bottom right corner, paired with a smiling strawberry. _Goddamn, Minatozaki_. The memory of what she did to the stoner kids makes her wince. Thankfully, all the talk about her pulling out the middle finger in the middle of the parking lot quickly disappeared after a few days. 

“Will you be reciting a poem?” Sana cheekily asks Dahyun. 

Dahyun shrugs. “No, but Chaeng is.” She looks down at her feet. “She’s really good with words, unlike me.” 

Sana nods, folds the poster in half and slips it in between her notebook. “Give me your number,” she tells Dahyun, who looks at her with surprise coloring her face, “I’ll let you know if I can drop by.”

Dahyun’s mouth curls into a wide grin and Sana can’t help but think of how pretty she is. After the two exchange numbers, Dahyun practically walks away giggling and blushing. Sana watches her go, smiling to herself and feeling warm at the realization that she just made somebody happy. 

“You know,” a familiar voice behind her says and Sana’s smile disappears; “Dahyun has a crush on you.” 

Nayeon leans on the other side of Sana’s locker, her arms crossed and her mouth curled in a tight smile. 

“I know,” Sana replies, her shoulders tense, “she’s cute.”

“Are you interested in her?”

Sana’s throat bobs. “No,” she says, knowing the reason why Nayeon would ask such a blunt question. They haven’t been alone in so long she doesn’t know what to do with her hands anymore. 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Nayeon says after a brief pause. 

Sana shakes her head quickly— _too_ quickly—and sees Nayeon’s expression sour. “That’s not true,” she tells her best friend, "I've just been bu—" 

But Nayeon doesn't want to hear any of it, raising a hand and shaking her head. "I know what it's like to be avoided," she says with a sad little smile, "I'm your best friend, I know everything about you. Or maybe I _thought_ I did." 

There is no denying the pain in Nayeon's voice nor the hurt in her eyes. Sana hears and sees it so she looks away and clutches her locker tightly. "Nayeon, _please_ ," she says in a small voice, "you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just… figuring things out. After the break-up and the thing with Momo and…"

_You_ , she wants to add but doesn't. 

Nayeon nods, pursing her lips. "I understand," she says and Sana closes her eyes because _of course_ , she would understand. Nayeon has always been the most understanding between all three of them. And even if there were times she _didn't_ understand, she never judged any of them for it. 

"What happened during the summer," Nayeon begins softly, "doesn't have to define the rest of our lives, you know." 

Sana locks gazes with her. "What do you mean?" 

"We never really talked about it, right?" Nayeon goes on, trying her best to cover up the pain that can be heard in her voice, "It didn't mean anything so you don"t have to feel guilty and push me away because of it. That's the only reason I can think of as to why you're avoiding me." 

There is something wrong here. Sana takes a step forward and frowns when she realizes that Nayeon's eyes are red from having kept her tears in. To avoid the curious stares of their classmates passing and going around them, she curls her hand around Nayeon's wrist and pulls her into an empty classroom. Her best friend doesn't resist. 

"Nayeon," Sana begins, heart racing painfully inside her ribcage, "What on earth are you talking about?" 

"I'm talking about what happened during the summer," Nayeon says, crossing her arms protectively over her chest and tightening her jaw. 

"Last summer…" Sana swallows the lump in her throat. "...was a mistake." 

Sana is familiar with heartache—has carried it with her for most of her teenage life—but she never realized how truly recognizable it is when observed in another person, especially when she’s known that person for most of her life. Because the second the words slip past her lips, Nayeon's entire face crumples, unable to hide the sorrow and agony she is truly feeling. Once again, Sana wonders why she never saw it before. Was she so wrapped up in her own unrequited feelings for Momo that she never realized how Nayeon was dealing with the same emotions? 

"You didn't have to do anything you didn't want to," Nayeon says quietly, her voice trembling with barely repressed emotion, "and we both know it didn't mean anything in the first place. Why is it a mistake now? Did something happen? Why are you pushing me away _now_?" 

Sana, unbelievably, thinks about Momo. 

_What she deserves is the truth, Sana-chan._

“Yes,” Sana whispers, swallowing the lump in her throat, “something happened.” 

“What is it?” Nayeon sounds so pained, so anguished, that it feels like needles are being shot into Sana’s heart. 

Sana remembers the night she heard Nayeon—the night their little arrangement ended, the night Sana went into the bathroom to freshen up, the night she was stopped by the door when the words _I love you, I’ve loved you for so long_ reached her ears…

“You love me,” Sana begins, her voice trembling, “don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” Nayeon is quick to say, stepping forward like she has half the mind to embrace Sana but ultimately deciding against it, “You’re my best friend, Sana…”

“No,” Sana says as she shakes her head, “Not like that… not like a best friend. You love me… just like I love Momo, right?”

In all honesty, Sana should’ve phrased it better. Because the last thing Nayeon wants to be reminded of is Momo when she’s standing in front of Sana, looking as if she’s seconds away from falling apart. But it’s too late. The words have already been uttered. Sana sees the initial confusion dawning Nayeon’s face before realization sets in. At once, she takes a step back and wraps her arms around herself. Then she shakes her head and steels her jaw.

“No,” she says, her voice uncharacteristically cold, “Not like you love Momo.”

“Nay,” Sana begins, using the affectionate nickname that she’s coined for her best friend throughout the years, “it’s okay, we can get through this—” She steps forward, reaches out and curls her hands around Nayeon’s face. “I’m so sorry…”

Nayeon’s entire posture seems to deflate once she comes to terms with the situation. Because the second Sana stops running away from a situation, there’s nowhere else to hide. Sana can be annoyingly persistent if she wants to be. And now that she’s backed into a corner, she must realize there are no other options left. Sana can practically see the gears in Nayeon’s head turning as she tries to think of what to say next.

“You’re wrong, you know,” Nayeon finally mutters, her eyes flashing with an emotion that Sana takes a second too long to realize as anger, “I don’t love you like you love Momo.”

“Nayeon—”

“I love you like _I_ love you,” Nayeon begins, her eyes filling with more tears and her lower lip shaking; “The way I always have and the way I always will. I loved you first… did you know that? You probably didn’t, because you were always looking at Momo.” There is a hardened, bitter tone in Nayeon’s voice that sounds alien to Sana’s ears. “I knew you would never feel the same way, that’s why I never told you,” Nayeon adds as she reaches up, takes Sana’s hands away from her face and promptly drops them. “That’s why I never said no to you.”

And with one last heartbreaking look sent into Sana’s direction, Nayeon turns on her heels and walks away. 

Sana lets her.

//

( _"Where do you wanna go?"_

_“Everywhere, just like you.”_

_"Maybe you should come with me."_

_"If that's what you want, then I see why not?"_ )

//

(Momo calls but Sana and Nayeon never answer.)

//

It’s Friday.

Sana finds herself staring down at Dahyun’s number saved in her phone and then at the picture on her bedside table—the one of her, Momo and Nayeon during one of their many sleepovers. She stares at Nayeon’s face—the light in her eyes, the round pink cheeks and the wide bunny smile on her lips. For the first time in a long time, she looks at Nayeon first before her gaze moves to Momo.

_I love you like I love you_. 

“Oh, Nayeon,” Sana mumbles, squeezing her eyes shut and turning away from the picture frame, “I don’t deserve you.” 

//

Sana doesn't go to Nayeon's party. 

Instead, she finds herself standing in front of a tiny coffee shop sandwiched between Starbucks and Taco Bell. Dahyun told her to just come in at any time. But now that she's here, she's not really sure if she's in the right place. Metaphorically, of course. Because she knows that Nayeon’s party is happening across town right now and Momo is there with her, as she always is. 

(Sana should be there too.)

"Sana?" 

Sana freezes, recognizing that voice anywhere. When she turns around, she sees none other than Myoui Mina standing before her. At once, like muscle memory, Sana tries to look for Momo. Because the only time she got to see Momo last summer was when she was with Mina. 

"I'm alone," Mina says, smiling at her hesitantly.

"Okay." Sana brings her walls back up and crosses her arms over her chest. "What are you doing here?" 

"Same as you, apparently." Mina points at the coffee shop where the open mic is happening. "Dahyun invited me." 

"I see." 

Now that Mina is here—the unintentional source of misery for all of Sana's problems—she doesn't feel like going in. It's a difficult thing to experience being so out of place like this, especially when her brain is screaming at her that she should be somewhere else. She pointedly avoids Mina's curious gaze and clears her throat. "You can go in, if you want. I'm just waiting for someone." The lie smoothly slips past her lips. 

"You know," Mina says instead, shuffling her feet, "I would've expected you to be at Im Nayeon's party." 

The mention of her best friend and the reminder of their last encounter together is enough to make Sana sick. 

"Well, you thought wrong." Sana takes a deep breath. "I have a life outside of Momo and Nayeon, you know." 

"Of course." Mina's smile is gentle. "Momo has told me all kinds of stories about you guys." 

Sana pauses, at a strange conflict with herself. “What did she tell you?” she asks the younger girl cautiously, not wanting to seem eager about knowing the details Momo might’ve shared about their friendship. And she’d like to know how Momo describes them and what she thinks of them through her girlfriend’s eyes. 

Mina’s smile widens. “She mentioned many good things,” she begins, looking very fond at the mention of her girlfriend. Sana’s heart aches at the sight of the love in her eyes, knowing that it’s meant for Momo and recognizing that look because she sees it every single time she looks in the mirror and thinks of her best friend. 

Sana thinks of Nayeon and knows that this is how Nayeon must look at her too.

( _I love you like I love you._ )

“Momo told me that she always thought you and Nayeon shared a special bond,” Mina goes on and Sana looks up sharply, startled by the words, “Like… you two were closer somehow.” 

Sana remembers the summer—

( _I don’t know what to do without you, Im Nayeon._

_This is me letting you._

_You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do._

_The only time I truly felt happy was when I was with you_.

_I love you. I’ve loved you for so long._ ) 

—and her heart bleeds. 

Mina continues carefully, “Momo knew that there were some things that the two of you only told each other. She told me that she wasn’t really jealous of that. Instead, she was happy that at least you two had each other to share your problems with.” The younger girl’s smile turns wistful as she shakes her head. “Sometimes, Momo doesn’t think she’s being a good enough friend and that she misses out on important things.” 

“That’s not true,” Sana interjects quickly. 

"Our brains try to come up with unreasonable thoughts,” Mina murmurs, “even though our hearts know otherwise.” 

Sana doesn’t say anything, refocusing her gaze on the pavement below her feet. 

Mina sighs. “Momo loves you both very much,” she says, her voice calm and certain, “I really hope you’ll see that, Sana.” 

There’s a knowing tilt to Mina’s voice that doesn’t go unnoticed. Sana raises her head and smirks. “Momo told you, didn’t she?” she asks. _Of course she did_ , a bitter, angry part of her brain says, _they’re girlfriends_. 

Mina doesn’t confirm nor deny the statement. Instead, she takes a step closer towards the entrance of the coffee shop, raises her hand and then looks over her shoulder. “Momo wants you to be there at the party,” she says gently, their gazes locking, “with her and Nayeon. She wants her best friends back and best friends always find a way to forgive each other.”

Sana stews in her silence. 

"You could let this ruin you," Mina murmurs quietly, "or you could fix it." 

Then she pushes the door to the coffee shop open. “It’s your choice,” is the last thing she says before she enters the coffee shop and leaves Sana standing outside. 

//

Sana sits on the curb outside Starbucks, listening to the music pouring out of the open mic happening behind her. She doesn’t know how long she’s been sitting there, just wallowing in her misery. A part of her wants to forget anything Mina said and just enjoy the night. Another larger part understands what Mina was trying to tell her and is guilt-ridden by what she has done. 

What Sana did to Nayeon… was the worst thing she’s ever done to her. 

“Why did you say yes, Nay?” Sana asks, burying her face into her arms. She doesn’t understand herself. She hurts for Nayeon, her best friend, her confidant, the person she kissed without even thinking about it. The thought of facing her now, after everything that has happened between them, would mean facing her worst mistake. 

She imagines Nayeon walking up to where she is and gently sitting down next to her. 

She imagines Nayeon reaching out and wrapping her up in an embrace. 

She imagines Nayeon pressing a shaky kiss on her temple. 

“Why do you love me?” Sana whispers. 

“ _I just do_ ,” Nayeon would answer, smiling widely even though the pain is clear in her eyes, “ _You’re my best friend, Sana. You know me better than anyone else.”_

Sana raises her head, her heart plummeting inside her chest when she sees that she’s still alone. 

//

( _“Hey! Sana, right?”_

_Sana turned around in her seat and was met with a pretty girl with long brown curls and a wide bunny smile. It was the end of her first ever class in this new school with these new unfamiliar faces. She was just finally getting settled in her new place when the girl approached her while the teacher wasn’t around._

_“Hi,” Sana said, offering a smile._

_“My name is Im Nayeon,” the girl said, sticking her hand. As they were shaking hands, she noticed Sana’s purple pencil case sitting in the middle of her desk and her eyes lit up. “Oh, I love purple too! It’s my favorite color. Is that your favorite color?”_

_Sana giggled. “Yeah,” she answered. She didn’t really know what to say yet but she was more than happy to strike up a conversation with this new pretty girl._

_“Cool,” Nayeon replied, her grin widening, “You should eat lunch with me and my best friend Momo.” She gestured to the back, where a girl with short dark hair and glasses sat, doodling in her notebook._

_“Are you sure?” Sana asked nervously, “I don’t want to come in between you…”_

_Nayeon nodded, still with that happy grin. “Yeah, I’m sure! Besides, I have a feeling you and I are going to be best friends too,” she claimed with so much confidence Sana couldn’t help but agree.)_

// 

The party is already in full swing by the time Sana arrives. 

“Sana!” Jennie greets, walking up to her with a wide smile on her face, “I’m so glad you showed up. Nayeon and Momo were looking a bit sad without you.” 

Sana looks around, noticing how packed and rowdy the entire place is. She knows Nayeon only throws parties when she wants to forget a problem. It doesn’t take too long for her to realize what the problem is. _Her._

"Have you seen them?" she asks Jennie. 

Jennie gestures inside. "Probably drinking some shots," she answers, “They won’t be hard to miss.”

“Thanks.” Sana hurries inside, her heart hammering loudly inside her chest. Her falling out with Nayeon is still fresh in her mind but she knows that she has to fix everything between them before things worsen. All this time, she has pushed Nayeon away, guilty of what she has done and of her unrequited feelings for Momo. She hid in herself, worrying about what everybody would think, worrying about hurting more people, worrying about not being understood for the choices she made. 

It hasn’t really occurred to her that out of everybody she knows, it is Nayeon who would understand. 

The music inside the house is loud but not loud enough to annoy the neighbors that are a few blocks away. Nayeon’s mansion is enormous, after all, complete with a large front and backyard. Perks of being an Im. Anybody who is anybody has been invited. The place might be crowded but Sana can easily squeeze through the people vibing to the music and chilling with their friends. As she passes through familiar corners of Nayeon’s home, she can’t help but remember every memory that has happened within these walls. 

She and Nayeon have been through so much together.

Sana can’t lose her. 

( _You’re my best friend. You know me better than anyone else. Better than Momo, even._ )

It doesn’t take long for her to find Nayeon, standing in the front yard, surrounded by a bunch of people. She’s in the middle of a game of beer pong, squaring off against Kang Younghyun. Sana approaches, seeing that Nayeon is already quite wobbly on her feet. There are only two red cups left on her side while Yonghyun has five. 

Nayeon isn’t really a lightweight but once she’s hammered, it’s hard to get anything sensible out of her.

She shoots her shot and completely misses. Younghyun smirks and flicks his wrist to throw in his next shot. The ball goes inside and Nayeon groans. But before she can reach out and drink another cup, Sana steps in and grabs her wrist. 

“I think you’ve had enough,” she says. 

Nayeon locks eyes with her and wrenches her hand away. Sana’s heart plummets, knowing that everybody else is watching them. But for some reason, the fear of being judged by her peers isn’t as magnified as before. There’s another fear clogged up in her throat—the fear of what Nayeon will say to her.

But instead, Nayeon just stares at her for a long time before she shakes her head and walks away.

This time, Sana doesn’t let her. 

“We need to talk,” she says, walking in pace with her best friend.

“I think we’ve said enough the last time we saw each other,” Nayeon replies tersely, not even bothering to look at her. Her words are slightly slurred, which means she’s a bit intoxicated. But not drunk.

“Nayeon,” Sana begins, continuing to follow Nayeon through crowds of people and into little twists and corners in her huge mansion—the same mansion that Sana has memorized like the back of her hand, “Please don’t shut me out like this.”

A humorless laugh escapes Nayeon. “That’s the thing, Sana,” she says tiredly, “I don’t think I can.”

The two of them head to the backyard, where only a few people have retreated to get some peace and quiet. Sana makes sure to help Nayeon head down the beaten path since she seems to be having trouble. But the older girl doesn’t seem to want her help, wrapping her arms around herself as if it’s the only way to shield off Sana. The gesture hurts. 

“Please,” Nayeon says after a deafening silence between them, “I need you to leave.”

“You can’t make me leave, Nay.” Sana sighs and watches as Nayeon mindlessly walks around the yard. “We need to talk.” 

Nayeon scoffs. "There's nothing to talk about." 

"You know there is," Sana presses. 

There is a large oak tree that takes up space in the middle of the Ims' backyard. Underneath its shade stands a bench meant for at least three people. Sana, Momo and Nayeon used to spend their childhood there, talking about school and chasing each other through the well-kept garden. As of the moment, the bench is empty but the memories still linger. 

"Can we sit there, please?" she asks Nayeon. 

Nayeon doesn't budge. 

" _Please_ ," Sana goes on, trying to get her best friend to look at her, "I just… I need to explain." 

"Explain what, exactly?" Nayeon demands but there is no anger in her voice, only sadness. She _still_ isn't looking at her. "I think I know what you're going to say." 

"That might be true." Sana sighs. "You know me better than anyone else, after all." 

Nayeon lets out her own sigh of frustration. "You've spent the past few weeks pushing me away already," she grumbles, "so I don't see what's the point of adding more salt into this whole fucked up situation. Cause I get it, Sana. I _fucking_ get it. I got it a long time ago. You don't love me. You never will. And that's _fine_." 

It's not. Nayeon's voice cracks at the last word. She turns away, hiding her face, but based on her shaking shoulders, it is clear that she has succumbed to her tears. 

"I'm sorry," Sana whispers, not moving, "I'm _so_ sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like this." 

Nayeon doesn't turn to her. Instead, she starts walking towards the bench in the middle of the backyard. Sana follows dutifully. When they find themselves seated next to each other, Sana’s heart aches at the space in between them. The space that Momo always occupies, both literally and metaphorically. 

Nayeon looks at her, eyes red around the edges. “Say what you have to say.”

Sana takes a deep breath, having imagined this scenario so many times in her head already. In her mind, she had always imagined Nayeon wearing a look of frustration and anger. Sana can't blame her. She'd be upset if she'd been toyed around like this, her feelings having been disregarded. But there's something else in Nayeon's expression, hidden underneath all the hurt she feels. It takes Sana a while to realize that it's love. 

Even after everything Nayeon has been through, she still looks at Sana with the same look of love and fondness she holds for her. 

(Something in Sana's heart _stirs_.) 

"Nayeon," Sana begins shakily as she reaches out with her left hand and cups Nayeon's cheek, "you're my best friend." 

"You keep saying that," Nayeon points out, not moving away from her, "but you don't push away your best friend like this."

"I know." Sana takes a deep breath and lets go. "I was scared."

"Scared of what?" The older girl instinctively leans forward, as she always does when listening to what's in Sana's heart. "Scared of _me_?" 

The past several weeks come rushing back—filled with so many conflicting emotions that have built up. Guilt and regret at what she had done to Nayeon, longing and pain that she still held for Momo, relief and sadness at having broken things off with Sehun. She honestly hadn't realized just how terrible things have been and how she hasn't been able to share the burden with anybody who _truly_ understood. 

Momo is a close second but nobody can understand her like Nayeon. 

"I was scared of losing you," Sana finally says, pathetically and weakly, "I was scared to look you in the eyes and realize how badly I had hurt you. I don't think I'll ever be able to live with myself if I did lose you, Nayeon." 

Sana looks away, staring up at the night sky. "I always thought nobody understood me," she goes on, "Like everybody looked at me and thought they knew who I was. Head cheerleader. Sehun's girlfriend. Most popular kid in school. But I realize now… it wasn't like that with you. It has _never_ been like that with you. You _know_ me, Nayeon. You understand me. For so long, I couldn't see that. But now, I do." 

Her hand shoots out to wrap around Nayeon’s wrist. “That’s why I can’t lose you.”

Nayeon's shoulders sag as she lets out a pained sigh. "I don't want to lose you too." She reaches up with her free hand and wipes off her tears. "It just… _hurt._ " 

Sana doesn't say anything else. Instead, she squeezes Nayeon's hand, encouraging her to say more. She has said what she needed to say. She doesn't ask for forgiveness, she doesn't excuse her actions, she doesn't beg for Nayeon to take her back. Because at the end of the day, everything is up to Nayeon. 

If Nayeon chooses to forgive, Sana will be the happiest person on earth. 

But if she doesn't… 

“I love you, Sana,” Nayeon confesses quietly. This time, Sana isn’t hiding in the bathroom, obstructed by the door that stood between them. This time, she doesn’t run away and pretend it never happened. This time, she accepts this truth. Nayeon loves her. Unfortunately, Sana doesn’t feel the same way.

Nayeon must see the look in her eyes because she forces a smile and grips her hand tight. “And I know that you don’t love me.” 

Sana’s heart _aches._ “I’m sorry,” she whispers, “I wish I could—”

“It’s okay.” Nayeon tries to keep her tears in, biting her lower lip in an effort to stop it from shaking. “Sometimes, the person we love just doesn’t love us back. And that’s okay. It hurts but it’s okay.”

Silently, Sana thinks of Momo.

(Forgiveness has never tasted so bittersweet.)

Sana knows that Nayeon is trying to convince herself more than she’s trying to convince her. So, she nods her head, inches closer and wraps Nayeon in a tight embrace. She hopes that all the words she wasn’t able to express in her head can be understood by her best friend. And judging by the way Nayeon doesn’t hesitate to return the embrace, it’s clear that Sana doesn’t have anything to worry about.

(After all, Nayeon knows her best.)

“If you don’t want us to be friends after this…” Sana begins quietly, trying to be gentle in her words.

Nayeon shakes her head, choking on a sob. “God, you moron,” she mutters, “Just because you don’t love me back doesn’t mean that I want us to stop being friends.”

“ _Yah_!” Now it’s Sana’s turn to choke on a sob, her relief washing over her, “I didn’t know that, okay!” 

Nayeon leans back, laughing quietly. She wipes at the tears under her eyes and fans her face. “You’re so,” she begins, trying to come up with a word that best describes Sana, “You’re such an idiot. I could never stop wanting to be friends with you.”

Sana sniffles. “Nayeon…” 

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Nayeon’s grin seems shaky and it’s clear that they still have a long way to go before they’re back to normal but Sana has never felt so happy at the thought of having her best friend back. Starting now, she now knows never to take Im Nayeon for granted. She’s experienced what it’s like to not have her around and she doesn’t think she can spend the rest of her life going through that. 

“I never wanted to,” Sana replies, rushing forward to hug Nayeon again. This time, before she pulls away, she presses a quick kiss on the older girl’s cheek.

The gesture is painstakingly familiar. Sana realizes her mistake when she sees Nayeon’s wide eyes. But before the two of them can comment on it, they hear Momo’s voice calling for them from the house: “ _Sana! Nayeon! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”_

Sana is quick to look away, already jumping to her feet. Her eyes find Momo’s silhouette from a distance. It doesn’t hurt as much to look at her anymore. And when she turns to look at Nayeon, who follows after her dutifully while averting her gaze, she knows that the same can’t be said for her. 

For Nayeon, things will hurt for a long time… 

Sana offers her hand. “Come on,” she tells her best friend, “I think you should challenge Younghyun to a rematch.” 

Nayeon laughs and shakes her head. “I don’t think I can beat him.”

“We’ll figure out a way.” Sana squeezes Nayeon’s hand and leads her down the path to where Momo is waiting for them. “We always do.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending changed halfway through. I intended for Sana to return Nayeon's feelings. But life doesn't work that way. Sometimes, the person you love just doesn't love you back. That's what I wanted to explore in this fic and hopefully, I did it justice. Please don't hate Sana too much. After all, she is only seventeen in this fic... she doesn't know anything LMAO. 
> 
> Sorry if it seemed messy and rushed... I was suffering from writer's block for an entire MONTH. I was also super duper busy with work... So, I'm sorry if it's not really my best fic!!!


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